Irony after irony

It seems that irony has a sense of cruelty
in that it hands you victory only to
slap you with defeat though the very victory it granted.

Indeed, many fall victim to this
and you cannot do anything about it.
And while futility looms above,
I pray that GOD will intervene
and grant me the ability to overcome irony's antics.

7s

In a startling revelation.....
Hows that for a dramatic begining? ;)
I inched closer on my understanding on
my serendipitous encounters with 7s.

Well, its all theoratical at the moment but.....
Do you know that....
My Birthday Day and Month forms the number 7 in binary?

And here is a depiction of what a person of number 7 would be....

-------------------------------------
Significance Of Number 7
You set high standards, achieve them yourself and expect others to follow them. You have a keen analytical approach in whatever you do. You think first and act according to the decision arrived at. In any case, you are not an individual of rash action. You have a quick grasp of matters and you love fast decisions. You are a perfectionist of the first order. You can not tolerate the habit of messing up things and wish to have everything in apple-pie order.

You maintain good connections with people, but you watch each of their reactions in a guarded manner. You are very quick to sort out insincere people and you strictly avoid them. Your friend’s circle is limited but you know the art of maintaining friendship. A fresher will find it difficult to enter your heart, unless you are sure about the real intentions of such an individual. Your ready wit is your asset. Others are attracted by this quality. You are not an introvert, but at the same time, you have exclusiveness about you. You mix freely with the people, and yet maintain your essential dignity. It takes time for you to develop friendships but you do believe in long term relationships. You don't like associations like clubs or groups of similar nature.

Many ways of the modern life don't interest you. You find them to be a waste of time and money. You have your dreams and do require some time to be alone. You think continuously on one issue or the other and deeply involve in finding solutions for them. You hate crowds and confusion. A corner seat in the park interests you more than a group discussing politics or engaged in devotional songs. You like spirituality of a different type.

You are wiling to acquire knowledge from any source. You make a careful analysis of the subject, before accepting any findings. Majority views, unless they are correct according to you, have no value for you. You believe in making others follow you, not following others. But, you don't like blind following either. You first convince the people and expect that their accepting your views must be a voluntary action. There is absolutely no compulsion in your dealings. You are wiling to learn from an ordinary, humble and uneducated worker as well as from a brilliant thinker and philosopher.

As a spiritual person, you are very special. You give absolute loyalty to the person, institution to which you belong. You have fixed views and you can not change. This does not mean that you are rigid, but your disposition sometimes, gives that impression. You are always willing to listen to the views of others, and do not expect them to follow your views blindly.

You value experience more, than empty advice from others. You love the “College of Self-Education,” than mere bookish knowledge.
==================================

That sums me up doncha think? ;p
Just something interesting.

Expressions

After visiting,
I am often asked by them,
Why the sudden solemness in the topics
Which I write for the past few months?

The topics of choice concerning
abysses,
inevitability,
eternal conflicts,
resistance
seems to form elements of a barren darkness
which is seldom seen on my daily expressions.

Well, thanks for all the concerns.
But I assure you that I am alright.
Its just the melancholic side of me expressing itself.
Its my way of expressing my
frustrations,
anger,
sadness,
disappointments
on things within and around me.

This is who I am.

This is my channel for exit on all the negativity.
And I choose to do it in solemness.
And there are many ways,
Just that I am committed to this one,
and it is working ok for me.
And in some twisted amalgamated concoction,
it helps me think and chart out a path for solution.

Search meticulously and deeply within yourselves,
You will have in one way or another experience
the sort of things I have previously written about.
And in intricate revelations, you will find that
you too will have your own expression for such negative matter.
And some will choose to verbally express it,
Some emotionally,
Some physically,
Some a combination of the above.
Make mine mental.

And for me,
As I release the negativities thru my musings
And subsequently, descriptively penned down in my incognito writings,
I feel liberated from the burdens of
troublesome thoughts
infelicitous incidences and
haphazard happenings.
Well,... sometimes running alone helps too...
As Murakami-san so rightly puts it.
(Gives me the mental solumeness to think).

Hence, I am good amidst these turbulent times.
Thanks for all the concerns.
(You all know who you are)
I appreciate it.

Before I pen off,
Just a fleeting thought,
The next time you read
a posting depicting the twilight of my turbulent surroundings,
Just remember, this balances the lighter side which the majority sees.

................Welcome to my musings...... :)

Murakami

I stumbled on Murakami's work by accident. Surfing the web, bored and unamused, I landed myself upon a site depicting 10 books you must read for this decade. And out of the 10, 1 caught my attention. Like a calling from the internet abyss, I was subtly drawn closer to the link...., "Click me.. Click me...." it whispered... sheepishly obedient I did, and in hindsight, I am glad that he did not disappoint.

That was a month ago, and currently, I am digesting a second of his literature. Indeed, Murakami is a great writer. His style of artistic compositions tells literature of cats, jazz bars, relationships, sheeps and life in Japan. And he tells it as it comes to him.... raw, mysterious and at time edgy. My interest in his work is ever growing (the above is his latest, the second book of his I am reading... a story of different sort, rather Murakami's imagination, this inks his reflections when running).

My curiousity in literature has never crossed the borders of business writing. My staple literature diet consists of marketing, business strategies, leadership and other business related writings. Ofcourse there are the occassional lifestlyle articles which seeks to help you understand yourself better for the gazzilion-th time.... or how to scan, disect and analyse your relationships intricately with such precision as relationship surgeon can... just by answering 10 multi choice recycled questions. But I have yet to venture on literature of this nature.....

Admittedly, my interest in Murakami's writing is encouraging. The book above is his latest, and my second book by him. The moment I read the initial pages, I am hooked. Though not his usual writing, this books exclusively invites us to have a partial glimpse of his life and also his passion (besides writing ofcourse). This book depicts his passion to particiate in marathons and triathlons; and more inportantly, his thoughts while running. And it is here I had one of those epiphanic moments..... his foreword reads "Pain is inevitable,..... Suffering is optional". And its this very thought that is left lingering in my mind.... playing over and over like a record repeating itself. Though Murakami puts it into the context of running, I sense a deeper perspective which hints towards a life philosophy. Maybe its unintentional or maybe it is.. but when I read it, it struck accord with my thoughts... and its so true.

Though pain is not an option for all of us.. suffering is inflicted and in most cases relates to our unwillingness of letting go. How coincidential that what I have been expressing and writing about revolves around that.

Indeed, Murakami's books are a good read. Cannot wait to finish this one and start another.

The end was only the begining...

Round and round it goes,
when will it stop nobody knows,
The begining? The end?
Unable to fend...
I am spiralling into an abyss of enternal void....

Decisions made was unmade;
Firm ground buckles in;
Like water to paper bridges,
I am tumbling again from a once sure footing,

Where do I even begin to verbally illustrate
the visual perspectives and emotional sensations
which interprets my reality.
When will this end?

Unable to comprehend?
That is but a glimpse of the incomprehensible fickleness endured.

An end was made for the wrong reason;
For it was persued with the wrong intent.
And that is why the inevitable acceptance had to be reversed.
And that was the crux of my revalation
as divine interventions circumvented my conciousness.

I am back at where I began...
pondering if there is ever an end to this...
I have yet an answer but
My fleeting thought is this....

"Every end leads to a begining, and
Every begining there is an end.....
my question is which is which and
when will it end...."

Inevitable acceptance

I, for one seldom gives up on something which I truly want or desire;
Preferring to thrive within the toughest of times;
in the most desolate enviroments to get the wants and desires;
Hanging in there with that one glimmer of hope,
that endurance and patience will somehow
trounce and vanquish these thriving cycles.

I believed that wants and desires is rewarded
to those who posseses the
the longest of stamina;
the highest of determination; and
the abundance of patience.

But there comes a time where even an
unyielding and obstinate person such
as myself need accept the detested and despised path laid before me....
and it is showing me what has been revealed before;
And though I persisted, resisted and objected it,
I now find fragments of myself left trailing behind me.

There is no more energy to thrive,
No more endurance,
No more determination,
No more stamina.
All is left is a sense of depletion.....

Speechless and boggled
I have no answer but one choice...
to relief my efforts and
to accept the inevitable
...to relingquish something which
I had hoped, seeked and wanted for soo soo long.

Curves

Curves.
Sister to the more rigid uncurled linear line.
Curves makes an interesting sight.
Some raises my eye brow as do the beatings of my heart, much like the ones above,
Others can be found on exotic automobiles which
exists in the dreams of many and a reality of the few.
In most cases, curves make more interesting sights than its linear sibling.

That being verbalised,
I have to throw some caution to the air,
for taken to the extreme,
curves can be a visual displeasure,
or worse,
it can cast you into an abyss where it makes the cruelest of mentors.

For me, some curves are inching towards the extreme end.
No, I am not insinuating to any visual displeasure of my physical state,
though age does seem to compound the pounds around the abdominal region.

The curve which I am trying to insinuate to makes close ties to
deep waters,
harsh mentors, and
a cascade of never ending enduring lessons and tests
which hurls ripples of strong current waves towards my private life.
Indeed, the learning curves which I am launched into
the past few months have been distractingly provocative,
even my most zealous demeanor is often striving to stay afloat amidst
the inflow of lessons and tests coming my way.

At times, it feels as though before one lesson is over,
another is starting.
And before those two lessons are over,
I feel that I am in the midst of a test.
What an unnerving feeling.

But I am still threading in this ocean
just barely enough to stay afloat.
And while in that moment, I am slowly trying to
reconstruct the jigsaw pieces together,
Trying my utmost to decipher this certification
to which this sea of lessons I am entangled in.

Currently, I haven't the faintest idea
of what I am suppose to ultimately learn and
what skills I am suppose to acquire.
All I comprehend is that I have to go through all the lessons
before I can graduate and proceed.
Still don't know what lesson number I am at and
how many more to go.
And there doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

To forge this into perspective,
the lessons I am entrusted to complete stretches my endurance,
the tests I go through thrusts my prowess to the brink of my capabilities,
the learning curve I unknowingly commit myself into swings me
through bends at a moment's notice; forcing me to act dynamically in a fickle manner.
I am feeling so fatigued....

....I wish I had the box of the jigsaw which
depicts the finished composition;
makes easier digestion of the lessons,
tests and learning curves I have to muster.

While I do appreciate curves for all its beauty and splendor,
I do dread the ones I experiencing.
And as I experience and participate in more curvaceous activities,
I do hope that sometime in the near foreseeable future,
the coming activities will revolve around the right kind of curves,
ones which raises my eye brow and the beatings of my heart. ;)

Integrity

It is unusual for me to pen down political issues,
However, due to some current issues which has arisen in my country,
I will make the exception.
My motivation and rationalisation to vocalize this is not based on politics,
It deals with personal principles which one stands by;
Which in my view for this case is exemplary.

To succinctly put things into perspective,
Our country's de facto Law Minister (Datuk Zaid Ibrahim) resigned his post,
Due to the fact that the execution and application of my country's constitution
has been mis-interpreted and abused by current ministers of the cabinet.

While I will refrain from making comments on what has happened,
the key point to be made here is the fact that
ZI stood by his principles and left his post
citing that he could not make a difference
in catalyzing the much needed transformation in the country's judiciary system.
He rather quit than being associated with a group
who are against his integrity and personal principles.

This in my perspective is something to be respected.
Not only has he risen to the occasion,
he was able to attain perspectives with such clarity.
The clarity to differentiate issues,
what is right and needs be done.

Often we (which includes me) are faced with similar issues and
the question we need to ask ourselves is
"Given a similar circumstance, are we able to rise above the clutter,
and achieve the altitude to see a clearer perspective,
and in doing so, uphold our integrity regardless?"

I hope so....

Hence, to Zaid Ibrahim,
you have my utmost respect.
Your current actions stands as a benchmark for us all.

Facing the sun with shadows behind my back... :P

Someone once told me,
face forward and keep walking towards the sun,
And you will cast all your shadows behind you.

Conventionally, this translates to the notion of
consistently looking at the bright side of any given situation and
not focus on the short comings of which the given situation brings.
At the same time this proverb subtly hints that in any given situation
there is always always a bright side.
Its just a matter of us turning our heads and look at things in a different light, hence "facing the sun".

However, more recently I have an alternate opinion of this proverb
and what "they" don't tell you.
Funny how "they" sugar coat all the airy fairy stuff
and conveniently leave the bitter pits behind for you to savor after.
What they don't tell you is that
The more you face the sun,
The closer you walk towards the sun,
You are bound to get burnt.
Think about it.... how long can you last with all the ultra violet rays
gently bouncing of your supple skin.
Sooner of later something gonna give.

Of late, times have been trying and
during these trying times,
I try to dig up inspirational proverbs to pacify my heavy thoughts...
I embraced the "face the sun" proverb ever so eagerly....
And the more trying times became,
the more I try to become learned on the intricacies of facing the sun.
And what I got was a burnt face.... the harder I try, they darker i become.

So, whilst it may be true that facing the sun brings sunlight to your face...
and that very sunlight burns my face....

So much for the proverb....
Now, will someone pass me some sun block before I get burnt to a crisp...
:p

.... I am so not yet ready

Its been months since I was presented with the opportunity to embarked on this journey to undo the knots of my decadent past.
Though this seem cliche'd but I had to make a decision which would change me for years to come.

"This is your last chance.
After this there is no turning back.
You take the blue pill, the story ends,
you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland,
and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... "

Reflecting back, this was how the conversation would have been....... (By the way, the dialogue is an excerpt from the Matrix. Ya, ya... i know... i am a geek... :) )

So, How am I faring?
Am doing good..
Or so I thought....

Series of opportunities in different facets has been put forth to test me,
And for the better part of it, the internal commotions have been dealt with amicably,

Until the final test...

Matters dealing with the sensitivities of emotions are more composed, though it still remains tender.
I find that that part of me still remains skeptical, suspicious, possessive and some circumstances, silently staking claims on "things" which is not mine to begin with.

At times, my fists are still tightly clenched on imaginary emptiness
which only feeds into my illusionary desire,
and that rots me from within.

..............

I am so not yet ready...
Not ready to receive...
Even more so, not ready to give

I have still alot to learn.

Meantime, I brave on and I pray that opportunities continue to come my way
to test and reassure me on my progress.

And so my journey goes....

His inspiration lives on......

I just found out that last friday (26th July 2008), one of the many who inspires me has moved on... GOD bless his soul. I was so inspired by this person I made an entry about him.

Dr. Randy Pausch was a brilliant man, I respected him for that, even more so, I was inspired his perspectives on life and how to live it. His "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted" is deeply ingrained within me. You see, Dr. Randy suffered from pancreatic cancer and no matter what happened subsequently, he decided to live his remaining days being positive and living it in accordance to what is important to him. For those are not familiar, Dr. Randy is famous for many things, and the one which struck out the most is his "Last Lecture" speech at Carnegie Melon. This man is so generous. I still remember the part of the video where the whole lecture hall is focused on him and he decided to focus that attention to his wife.. whose birthday was shadowed by his lecture. So, he brought his wife up, brought in the cake and sang happy birthday to her... and this was the time where he was suppose to give his last lecture at Carnegie.

In his "Last Lecture", vivid images of him telling how to live life was inspiring. It humbled me, and sort of extracted me from my need for material things and how sometimes I place it above to those above me. Randy woke me up with his inspiring speech. He touched my life and changed my life by just living his. And the funny truth is that he didn't even mean to teach the lesson to the rest of us.... all he wanted was to give that speech to his kids; and in doing so, he touched millions of lives; mine included.

Here's to Dr. Randy Pausch.
May he rest in peace with GOD.
And may his inspiration live on deep within us.
.....
.....
.....

My condolences to his wife and kids.

Here is the link of his passing.
A few more links which serves as a memorial for Randy Pausch
- from Carnegie Melon
- from Wikipedia

Relentless Discovery....

To ignite oneself is not the most easy thing to be done,
especially when one lay deep within the cinder ash of the once burning flames.
Yes, I am still trying to find myself among the sooty cinder ash,
Digging and sifting through with an eternal hope to discover that part of me to re-ignite.
Trying to find that combustible piece to flint a spark towards that once lost passion.

Indeed, current circumstances and thoughts are calmer,
where ripples losing momentum to a standstill,
enabling reflections which mimics itself upward.
I am sad to admit of my progress or more aptly my stagnation.
I have yet to be independently driven on a personal level.
I have yet to discover passions which will propel me,
I remain easily unamused to most circumstances and situations.
Yet, I am determined to be relentless in this pursuit for passion.

Indeed, I need to....
Otherwise I will remain in the monotonous state of mediocrety and emptiness...
which will ultimately consume me.

For now, I can only pray that I discover passion,
Either that, or pray for passion to find me....
:)

State of constant flux

That is the only way I can describe the past few months.
Multiple dynamic streams of intertwined circumstances and situations engulfs my senses;
These events are overwhelming... in a good way.
Can feel my inner being inching towards the so desired state of equilibrium.

On the vocational foreground, steep learning curves positions me in precarious circumstances... in a good way,
Keeps the inquisitive nature within me occupied in a constructive manner.

On the personal background, familiar activities and close ties are regaining the once lost footing. I am gaining some traction towards my personal goals, though the progress encountered are minuscule. Still, its heading towards a bearing I would like to motion towards.

On the emotional underground, quakes has cracked strings of crevices across my soul where waves of kaleidoscopic incidences exposes the tender side of me, pitting me to face up to circumstances I once avoided.

Such are the reflections of the past few months. Simply put, I am currently threading in a vortex of Constant Flux! How exciting! :P

Hanoi Hanoi

Just arrived back from Hanoi and I miss it already. I love the place.

Chaotic traffic, and petit women wearing kungfu outfits....


Will definately go back for the food and the character and ofcourse the warm hospitality I got in my short trip.



Roamed around the city abit. Here are some snap shots of whats to come.


Some back street. :P Here is where I had good yummy food. More on that later. Yes, I have pics. :p.....


The nite market. Loads of things to buy. Good deals too.


Think the owner already can tell the headaches he will be facing....:P




More pics of the city. Its really got character, that I must say.



Love the greenery here. Unfortunately, the number of motorcycles makes the air dusty and smoggie. Cough! Cough!


Lovely view of the lake where I stayed.

Sigh! I wanna go back already..............

Phewitt!

New spaces,
New faces.

Warm Smiles,
Friendly genstures.
A new dawn,
A new journey,

Out of comfort zone,
Zero familiarity from the old.
In tangent of a previous path,
Which was stangnant, mundane and passionless.

Now the new is begining,
With sparks of passion is slowly burning,
Flames of vigour needs to be nurtured,
From cinder to flame to a blaze!

-------------------------------------
This is my muse on the new path which I have undertaken.
And as you see, I am pretty jovial about it a the moment. :)

...Continuing on........

Trickle,
....Trickle,
........Trickle,
Little beads of sweat fall down from my face.

Red
....White
............Pale
Fists clenched ever so tightly.


Pulse,
....Throb,
........Pound!
Racing heartbeats surging anxiety through my veins.

This is not another bungy jump.
Nor was this another fix for the adrenaline junkie.
This was my attempt of letting go of my addictions which I held on so obsessively and excessively.

Allowing the inexperienced me take charge and roam free.
Giving dominance to the adolescent to command this behemoth.
Recent situations found me flung around, chewed, battered and bashed like a ragdoll toy in the jaws of a playful and aggressive puppy.
Left, right, forward, back, up, down, round and round.
Indecisive decisions, unfocused directions and unsettled emotions.
I am tumbling within.
And as expected, the inexperience shows.
This process however; much to my displeasure, is needed.
Otherwise, I stand to face fading passions like cinder ash from a once burning flame.

And though a part of me tries frantically to brace the impacts,
The immense unbridled changes make it arduous to cope with.
Optimism and pessimism switches indecisively like a spinning coin displaying both heads and tails incessantly....

All this as much I can comprehend, augurs a long period of transition.
The catalyst has emerged.
Valuable lessons are learnt.
Factual circumstances are accepted.
Ardours resolutions are set in motion.

All that was owed from a previous life, has been are paid in full. (I hope)
I am exhausted... mentally, psychologically and emotionally....
The inexperienced has benefitted from this excursion;
And in return, gained some composure.
This is the end of a pursuit.
Which I pray I am able lay to rest.

What is about to emerge remains to be tested.
Praying relentlessly for the transition to be absolute, at least for this chapter,
so the next can come forth, commence and re-ingnite the burning flames of my cindered ash passions...

Just what I needed

Just got back.
Have been away for a bit to take a good rest from my work life. A great rest it has been.
Though, initially I planned to go on adventures to spark some excitement and passion within (considered back packing across Indochina to Bangkok, Climb Mount Kinabalu, and a trip to Bali).

However, as it turned out, it was the reverse as I spent much of my time with those whom are close to me. Not really the exciting adventure I had planned but one which in retrospect, I needed.

Went to Ipoh to spend time with my mum and dad.
Needed to get them involved in my life. Havent been doing that.
Also, I needed to strengthen some of my relationships (new and old).
So, I spent some time with my mentors and friends here and in Singapore.
Had a great time, though I ate too much from all the fancy dinners.

Hence this time round, what was originally planned out to fulfill my wants materialised as a trip to fulfill my needs. I really needed to be surrounded by family and close friends whom gave a hoot for me rather than galavanting aimlessly searching for things which I thought was what I needed. This trip gave me an introspective adventure within which helped mend some basic needs which I previously neglected. All in all, this trip has been very enriching.
In fact these past few months have been a series of circumstances which I need to refocus and reorganise myself.
Things are slowly begining to crystalise as I can see clearer on the things I need to do and matters I need to address. Some, I need to loosen my grip and let go. While others I need to firm up my grip and hang on closer. My journey towards an equilibrium state will be ongoing.

PS. And despite of catching up, I manage to squeeze in some time to shop. Got myself a brand new Digicam. Now I can post some refreshed pics on the blog. :P

Reflections: The Jumper (Part 1)

I never knew why I didn't really penned this down before. This was one of those crucial moments where subsequently I literally changed. One of my more memorable achievements which I like to share. Enjoy!

-------------------------------------------------------------

At the break of dawn,
The aurora gently lights up the sky,
Slowly unveiling the scenic landscape from the blanket of darkness which preceded it.
Cool fresh air in abundance.

On the cliff edge,
Deep breaths,
Racing heartbeats,
Bounded legs,
Tense nerves,
Swelling anxieties,
Contradicting thoughts,
I can think of no better moment to do this.
I can think of no better way to go.
There is no turning back now.
I must face this head on, I must….

Three, Two, One……………….

All this began with the organization of a trip by the international students club.
A fairly simple free and easy trip to visit the infamous lake Taupo
to garner an appreciation for the magnificent views and splendor it has to offer.
One of the largest lakes in NZ, Lake Taupo is it is touted to fit the Singapore into it.
Breath taking views with full of activities,
All the right ingredients to make this an astonishing excursion.
Some arrive to soak up the spectacle,
Some arrive to rest and relax,
Some arrive to treat themselves with the multiple activities Taupo has to offer.

For me, I came here to settle a vendetta.
A personal vendetta which has haunted me for ages.
…my fear of heights.
My vendetta with this fear needs a finale.
Either I conquer and rise above it
Or be forever buried into the depths of my own fearful abyss.

The venue, A.J Hackett’s Bungy facility at Waikato River Valley,
upstream of Huka Falls, and just 5 minutes from the Great Lake.
The arena, a metal platform which stretches out from a cliff edge.
45 meters (147 feet) above the crystal clear ravine which leads into the lake.
Comparatively, that’s about as high as a 10 storey building.

Just the day before,
A group of us who in unison wanted to conquer our fears and satisfy our taste for adrenaline
sat afar at the foot of the ravine,
Looking and witnessing others who wanted to take the jump.
Some jumped and some withdrew,
There was even one HUGE Maori who needed 3 Bungy cords to accommodate his excessive mass.
He didn’t take leap.
As I watched the Maori retract his courage,
I imagined the sort of courage I myself needed to amass
to be standing at the edge of the platform…… and jump.

As the day dwindled down, we were left pondering
how will we all react standing at the edge.
That night, I was unable to lay myself to rest.
No doubt, the duel which lay ahead the next day had a lot to do with it.
One by one, the rest gave in to fatigue as I remained.
I was left with the familiar circumstance of being alone
to accumulate my nerve under the twinkling stars
sprinkled across the backdrop of the vast ebony sky…

At the break of dawn,
We were the first to arrive at the facility,
We registered, paid and literally signed our lives away.
For me, there was a unique sensation paying then signing the disclaimer.
As a close supporter so rightly put it,
“You pay others to gamble your lives away, only to relieve them
from any responsibility should anything happen to you.”
The words “ironic” and “paradoxical” flashes across my mind and
for one brief moment, I could have swore the word
“Fool” and “Sucker” emerged across my forehead.

I feverishly rubbed those words off, as I proceeded to the battle arena.
The 10 meter long platform protruding out from the cliff.
My competitive nature surfaces as I expressed my desire to be the first to leap off the platform.
Though I expected some resistance from the group, there were none.
I even thought of justifications as to why I wanted to be first.
Hmm….. At that split moment, I felt the familiar nudges under my forehead of re-emerging words.

Seated down at the front, I found myself getting acquainted with the 2 kiwi operators.
They spoke among themselves sharing past experiences.
While I think fate had nothing to with it, it was more them playing a demented prank on me,
They decided to openly “share” their mistakes with previous jumpers with me.
Careless mistakes, faulty equipment, emergency medical procedures, obituaries.
All these elements were weaved into a series of unfortunate news broadcasts to inform me of their “expertise”.
Even as they fasten my ankles with towels and Velcro, they told me that its old and a tad faulty.
They even asked me if I saw last night’s news…..
and when I answered no, they said it was good that I didn’t.
I shouldn’t be watching last night’s news, due to some unfortunate incident involving them, a jumper and some faulty Bungy cord.
One of them even offered to wash my hair by calibrating the Bungy cord to dunk my head into the ravine.
Gulp! All of a sudden, my own fears slowly cast a looming shadow over my intrepid temperament.
The 2 kiwis gestured me to step forward.
And now the time has arrived…

Reflections: The Jumper (Part 2)

On the cliff edge,
Deep breaths,
Racing heartbeats,
Bounded legs,
Tense nerves,
Swelling anxieties,
Contradicting thoughts,
I can think of no better moment to do this.
I can think of no better way to go.
There is no turning back now.
I must face this head on, I must….

Three, Two, One…. BUNGY!

And with a flying kiss of victory in front of the video camera,
I leaned forward.
My nerves are still intact and as concrete as can be,
Slowly, the gradient of my body descents….to the point of no return.
At that point, a devastating sensation of fear engulfs me,
shooting fear down my spine and firing panic signals simultaneously throughout my body.
And for that one minuscule point… time for me slowed to a standstill….
Though cliché, my life flashed before my mind and my eyes.
All the things I did, good or bad got together and decided hold a mardi gras in my mind.
What I did, what I didn’t, what I wanted to do, what I needed to do,
all jumbled up into one intricate kaleidoscope of visions.
What was a split second in reality, felt like a lifetime.

As I continued my rapid descent, more and more thoughts piled through my mind.
And then I had a moment of sudden understanding or revelation.
I had visions of what I can do better, what I ought to do and what I am required to do.
I understand my purpose, my passion and my zeal.

A gentle tug at my feet, breaks my mesmerized state and brings me back to the situation at hand.
I realized that I have arrived at the recoil point,
and with a gentle increase in tension, I was swept back up in an accelerated manner.
Ascending rapidly, I found myself hurtling towards the platform from where I leaped,
Moving closer towards a viewing window fixated in the middle of the platform.
And in my energized state, I sent a flirtatious flying kiss to all the viewers looking down upon me.
I could hear the ladies cheer on as I once again fall prey to gravity.

By then I am drunk with the sense of excitement and achievement.
Probably due to the flood of adrenaline pumping through my veins.
Once my bounce lost all its momentum, I was released from my binds and ferried to the riverbank.
There I sat feeling extremely exhilarated on my achievement and ready to take on the world.
Over the next hour or so, I was joined by my other Bungy counterparts,
each feeling ecstatic, each owning our personal epiphanies.
As the night returns, we sat around once more recollecting our achievements.
Though I am unable to express what my counterparts took away that day,
For me, I came out a changed person.
I felt strong, confident and vigorous.
That I am able to overcome whatever that crosses my path.
To do whatever I want to do and to achieve whatever I want to achieve.
What’s next? Skydiving? Diving with Great Whites? Surfing? Speed Skating?
Who knows? But whatever it is I choose to do…
I know I can do it!

….now, if only I can distinguish which part is the adrenaline talking and what comes from within….
:P

Epilogue

After reaching home, I ran my Bungy video to share the experience with friends.
As we watched the part where I leaped, we heard “Damn! Missed by a few inches!”
Those 2 kiwi operators had every intention of dunking me into the ravine. B*st*rds!

A year later, I had my second jump down in Queenstown off a suspended cable carriage.
Higher and more intense.
About 134 meters at Nevis Highwire Bungy. (About 439 ft)
Though the increase in intensity, it wasn’t as memorable as Taupo.
But I enjoyed it immensely anyway.
And if I have the chance to do it again, I will do it without any hesitation!

Oh, you must be wondering why I don’t talk much about my second jump...
Well, mum accidently found the video of my first jump in my bag when I came home for summer holidays and the rest was history.
She made me swear not to gamble my life like that ever again.
Hence officially, there wasn’t a second jump.
Shhhh! :p

Labourless Lens

Yes, I am currently a statistic to the country's official unemployment rate.
Yippe! 1 up for Labourless Lens!



Past few weeks have been hectic. Wrapping up projects and all.
Seems that I had more work to do when I was about to leave than when I was working.
Anyway, went to visit my parents last weekend.
Spent some time with them and catch some well deserved R&R.
Had a good time and manage to squeeze in some to convert one of my jottings on my initial arrival to NZ.

Also, I manage to recollect a past experience. This one is real exciting; well to me anyway.
Will post that after I fine tune it. :)

Life and how to live - Randy Pausch

I always wanted to write about this guy. Saw his video last year and I was inspired.
Most refer to this video as the "Last Lecture", but if you listen closely, the lecture is about Life and How to Live.

In this video, he shares his life with us and how he has lived it. And more importantly, he enlightens us with his perspectives on the things that really matters in life. These are the intangible moments which makes people feel good and gratified. We can learn alot on how to live from a guy whos is going to die. I am no exception to that fact. We can all learn a thing or two from this guy.

Have a watch of the "Life and how to live" video. This is a summarised version from Oprah.



If you have the time, should watch the full version which is about 80 mins long. And there was a really emotional moment in there. You can find the full version here.

Adult Things...

I just decided to do the adult thing and look into buying things which I Need rather what I Wanted.

I wanted a nice long holiday, travelling in central europe.
Still am really keen on it. Oh, how I wanted that. To go gallivanting in Prague. I even looked for theatre performances in Prague.

However, my more mature side told me I needed something more staple and closer to home. I needed a nice bed, and to furnish my home with nice curtains. My bed was a hand me down from my brother in 2000. And my house has DIY curtains which looks awful. Time to upgrade and buy.

Am looking into it, and goodness! It costs a bomb to get a relatively nice bed and a set of curtains.

Who'd think that I would get this domesticated and look at beds and curtains. Its been long overdue, hence I need to look into it.

Hmm... after this purchase, maybe I will save up and go for things I want next year. :P (*Still hopeful ;P *)

This is gonna hurt!

Manage to post another jotting from my past. Talks about catalyst and their part in our lives.
Had a read of it and reflected it upon some recent experiences. It has been a couple of years when I wrote this. Since then, I have journeyed long and learned a lot.

Catalysts still manifest itself before me and still manage to occasionally stir emotional turmoil within me.
And am especially thankful that there are those who still remain steadfast with me.

However, at this juncture, I have progressed much from my previous perspectives.

Before I cursed at hurtful catalysts and vowed to cast the wounded memories into pits of my mental crypt; never to let them resurface for the fear it may trigger some emotional response which may lead me into a feeble path.
I amplified my logical self to subdue my emotional sensitivities and built towering walls to seclude my emotions from harm, hate and despair.

Oh, how I deluded myself.
Deluded myself into thinking that emotional suppression was the solution to stay strong, impregnable and grow.

Goodness! I am sorely mistaken.
The walls shielded me momentarily.
Truth be told, the walls were far more damaging than I thought.
The walls inhibited my growth.
Like a pampered child, I only allowed myself to stumble upon areas with minimal exposure to harm, hate and despair.
And this hindered my ability to manage authentic experiences; especially to those exceptional catalyst who managed to break or was unknowing led thru the walls.
It was grueling to stay focused, calm and composed to say the least.

I now accept that building walls, shielding and secluding is not the solution.
It has made me weaker instead.
Over time, I found myself amplifying my need on steadfast support, and
spiraled around topics which weren’t addressed; for they lay “safe” within the confines of my impregnable wall.
I only manage to resolve the symptoms, where its pristine core was left free to cast more mayhem upon me.

Now, I find myself faced with a multitude of catalysts.
As though there was a global catalyst convention somewhere around the vicinity.
Each bringing their unique manner to infuse similar messages to me,
“Time for Change!”
“ Change!”
“ Change!”
“ Change!”

Pondering on the topic of catalysts once more, like a double edge sword, they are both good and bad depending how you perceive it.
They will bring tough lessons which makes it hard to digest
And though we want to regurgitate it out, it will be beneficial to us in the end as the lessons we learn are priceless and it readies us for better things to come; grueling at times as it may seem.

In retrospect,
I need to change and address my issues.

Time to drop the drawbridge and let the emotional side of me explore the kaleidoscope of emotions and ascertain the essential lessons each and every experience offers.
Time to address my fears and insecurities.
Time to heal and recover.
Time for self rediscovery.

Time to start digging up my mental crypt and expose it to some sunlight.
Ouch! This is gonna hurt! ;D

Fragile....

Life is soo fragile.
Just got to know that a friend has suddenly passed away.
Sudden because not so long ago, a group of us had lunch and
he was filled with vitality.

Today I learned that he went for a holiday and contracted some deadly bacteria and passed away a week later.

I sit here feeling numb as I reflect upon life in general.
Here today, gone the next.
Somehow whatever my troubles and bickerings seem so trivial.

This friend leaves behind a family.
My heart felt condolence to them.
I cannot imagine the turmoil the family is going through.
While I can relate to this because of my granmother's passing last 2 years,
I am unable to comprehend the suddeness of this passing; especially for his family.
For me, I had the opportunity to tell grandma that I love her, talk to grandma, make her happy during her remaining days, to prepare and ready myself.

This sudden passing offers his family and loved ones no opportunity to express any last messages.
So much would have left unsaid, and the agony is to carry that through the rest of one's life.
How agonizing.

Feeling powerless... I can only offer my condolences to his wife, kid and family. :(
Rest in peace my friend.
Will pray for your family.

Posting of my past...

Have converted yet another of my past writings.

Did I ever mentioned that when I decided to write these (the Reflection series) back then, I was going through yet another turbulent time in my life?
Yes. At that time, I had just quit my job, a bad fall out with a boss who had very questionable scruples.

I thought I has made good from my deliverables to the company, but only to be bashed and accused. I took accusations pretty hard as my work pretty much defined me. So, I decided to stay unemployed for a short while.

"A short while" which lasted me 6 months.
I pondered aimlessly and searched for answers which had no certain solutions.
I questioned everything and anything which lay before me.
I wanted to achor myself to a something which defines my self worth.
And what I found were mushy jello which cannot be anchored.

To add insult to the injury, my support pillars crumbled.
My career was spiralling towards uncertainty,
My friendships withered away, (only a few remained)
My romantic relationship decayed,
My financials were dwindling,
My family were rejected by me, and
My faith was at an all time low.

Indeed, I fell into a melancholic abyss.......

In the midst of my turbulent time,
I found refuge in writing these Reflections
To remind me of my journeys and blessings.
Thankfully, I recovered and decided to prioritise my life and get it back in order.

Anyway, here is another writing during this time.
Reflections of my Past: Part III

RUSH!

Faster and faster,
I am the speed master,
Pulsating winks of light beats ever so rapidly till
Ribbons of light streams long before and after
Smudged images blurs on hastily as it engulfs my peripheral vision
Speed readings slides past the 200 mark.
Stay focused!
I need speed!

Corners swiftly sweep on by as traction glues me to the tarmac like I am on rails.
Bystanders cheer on, as I dive in and out of bends with utmost authority.
No time to waste,
No time to admire the scenic backgrounds blurring past,
No time to pick up hitch hikers,
No time for passengers.
I need to get to my next destination.. yesterday.

Depending on my fancy,
I focused on singular pursuits at a time,
driving and accelerating my depth excessively.
Like an addict who pursues the next high,
I increasingly relished the burst of vigor and dynamism each subsequent pursuit injects.
I can hardly contain my patience to get that fix.
I needed more and more, much more than before.

Now the pursuit has transported me to a plateau where
repeated rushing to my desired destinations has lost its significance and appeal,
The associated thrills and vigor which once gratified my insatiable desire for rushed achievements seems to dwindle and become common place.
I have arrived…

Arrived at a point where I exhibit nonchalant mannerism towards my invariable need to reach the next ledge.
Pondering upon my hurried journeys in retrospect,
I recall my own vindication on being excessively focused on rushing from one pursuit to another.
Equilibrium was a foreign philosophy to me.
Pursuits and speedy outcomes was my focus and that I managed well.

Currently standing on this plateau, I soak up the moment and take a deep breath.
The view of the sunset dimming and diffusing into twilight seems to evoke a sense of appreciation for such beauty within.
Deep breathes of clean crisp air invigorates my soul as gentle breeze caresses my skin.

As I now recall, I realize that the bystander’s cheers were not of encouragement but one which cautions me to slow down.
Take it slow!
Enjoy your surroundings!
Live the moment!
Nurture your patience!
Don’t rush!

Fortunately, it is not too late to retract my neglect;
My neglect for the things/people/situations/myself which I have taken for granted.
It is cliché but true
that the enjoyment lies not in the destination but within the journey itself.

And so the rushed journey ends
as the nurturing journey begins
Directing itself towards the notion of equilibrium.
Equilibrium in the things I want to achieve,
Equilibrium in the relationships I develop and
Equilibrium for my remaining years ahead.

Where am I headed?
Over here, over there, could be anywhere
So long as the journey allows me to savor the moment and live the now.

No more rushing about……

Quotes from Movies

Sometimes, even movie dialogues can be poetic.

This is from V for Vendetta. Love the words used and the manner in which each sentence is expressed. Dramatic. Great voice acting.

papergirl

Over the past month or so, I had the privilege to be introduced to papergirl's "love poem" recital through a youtube video someone sent me. Oh, how I savoured the poem she recited. Her passion, witty expressions and choice of apt words embedded within her recitals bowled me over. I was motivated to share her poem here. So, I asked for permission to put her "love poem" here, and EUREKA! I got it.
(*Thanks, Mary! For letting me to post your poem here*)

Enjoy!

======================================
love poem 2002.
Tennessee Mary Fons, copyright 2005

this poem is for the pillow clutchers/for those looking into the imaginary eyes of the person who fills their mind with sugarplum smiles/for those who have a cannon of dreams ready and waiting to blossom/for the men and the women who want to be understood in that way that only someone who kisses you can understand you/this poem is for you.

this poem is not for the desperate/the pathetic/the lame/the loser/not for the one who hasn’t gotten laid in awhile/not for the one who says they’re “choosing not to date” for awhile/there is no such thing/this poem is for the people who cannot bring themselves to admit that they would give their right leg for any length of time with the person on their mind.

forgive me/I am not a brave woman/I do not know what lurks in the hearts of humans and I don’t really want to know/if what’s there mirrors memories I show in my face on bad days it holds kisses that are long gone/people who have disappeared/and passions that have faded into the ether of the past/nothing lasts/that is the one lesson this coward can say she is able to teach.

this poem is for all those who wish to say “I’m sorry”/I’m sorry I couldn’t love you/you deserve love/I’m sorry I couldn’t give something to you/you deserve to be given to/I’m sorry that for every person that loves somebody/another person just doesn’t want to/and sometimes we’re the lucky ones/right/we get to feel sweet truth in the night/the bodies we reach out to are miraculously there/but I know the despair that comes when they are not/I know the long nights and the doubt and the fear and that crawling back to a womb that just isn’t there/I know intensity’s address and the letdown that rents there/I’m sorry for it/it takes years off your life and it cannot be avoided.

and some times these little words are crutches for the crush that we feel/so this poem is a pathetic vehicle for me to tell you/each one of you/that I love you/in so many ways/in the same ways that stay up nights and days/dreaming up the perfect way to be there for someone/meals you would cook for them/poems you would write for them and the things you plan to say when they say no/well I love you/and you will never know how in the slight of a magician’s hand we could’ve been lovers and grandly in love/could’ve changed the whole game/written words on the horizon/changed the compromise/but you will know something else instead/bitter as bitter ever gets/more bitter than a rotten peach pit/more bitter than a child’s most terrifying nightmare at night/you will know that I don’t reflect what I see in your eyes/will will share some banal recognition/some cordial understanding but have I mentioned that I love you for not lying/so many people lying all the time/I hate them/so I love you/and you will still go home alone/and that is very hard to do.

for all the humans with love for those who aren’t their lovers/I love you.

and so the poem ends because we know that it will/but before it slips away like everything else/I will attempt the only words I can think of that are a fraction as good as a kiss: when you reach out at night and find not someone/but the cold grey light of day that wakes you up like a slap/like a curse/like an insult/I love you/when you stay at home thinking of those who are long gone or those who are getting kisses from someone that is not you/I love you/for those who want what they probably need and whose bodies are starving not for food/for me and for you and for all the people who never knew or understood what you would do for them/I love you/I love you/I love you.
======================================

I am an instant fan!

Here is Mary's recital on youtube. Great stuff.



Also, for those who would like to tantalise your poetic appetite with more of Mary's work, you can get your fix at her Youtube channel. More great stuff. Link

More from my distant past

Been too busy these days as I am rushing to clear my projects before my exit. I really want to clear things off and hence I am working today despite it being a public holiday. And I still have the cough and fever.

No time to write fresh stuff, though I want to. In fact I have made a list of things to write. I hope that during my 3 week break, I am able to pen some new stuff down.

In the meantime, I did manage to muster up some time to retype my Reflections articles. This is Part Deux: The sequel :P

A pretty dark time for me. Let's hope I never venture there ever again. Link

Pattern Shifts

Last night, I had insightful discussion with a very close friend; one whom I call my spiritual sibling. Don’t ask me why or how come? It just feels right as he is one of those very few whom I have no qualms expressing my inner thoughts to. And time and time again, he has broaden my perspectives.

The topic of discussion was on how we as human beings function through a series of patterns. How we eat, how we wear stuff, thought process, things we choose to do…. The crux of the discussion was in reference to the dissatisfaction, unhappiness, frustrations, depressions, one feels at a particular point in time. And the reason one would feel that way is attributed to the patterns in which they live by. Usually when a person already feels the negative emotions of his/her life, it’s probably too late to mitigate the situation.

The remedy as he so wisely pointed out is to shift living patterns to negate negative emotions; its what he describes it as pattern shift. While the privilege few may have been exempted from such a situation, the rest of us would have gone through this in one way or another.

This thought really propels those electrical charges within my brain. Reason being is that while I was looking fine on the outside, I was in a slight melancholic state inside. Thankfully, I am changing my living patterns and in the midst of transitioning into another phase in my life. It feels good; for now.

And so I will leave you dear readers with this thought, for the men and the women who feels trapped within the clutches and confines of your life or a part thereof. Trace your patterns. Trace your patterns to the happy trails which casts the warm sunlight against your face, where flowers bloom and breathless sights endlessly encapsulates your peripheral vision, and stay there. You belong there. And for those patterns which casts a tall dark shadow over your world, fills your heart with yearnings which supresses your fiery passion filled spirit from the days of your innocent past, I say exchange it. Exchange it for one which sparks and fans flames of passion within and nurtures your field of dreams and wait for it to bloom.

Bloom, Baby, Bloom!

Feeling ill

Goodness, the damn cough is really getting to me. Havent been able to sleep a wink for the past few days. Part anxiety part coughing.... when will this ever end? *cough* *cough*

Despite of the cough, I managed to scrounged out another piece of little treasure from my past. Hope you enjoy it. Link

The reprise of Detoxification

This is something I wrote a long time ago. Found it in some nook and cranny within the web under some pseudonym. Took me a while to locate it.

As for the jotting, this was a turbulent time where I was left very very vulnerable. And in the midst of finding a remedy for myself, I found my perspectives which would then drive me for years to come.

Here is a reprise of that jotting. Link

Btw, as I search out and convert my writings, there will be more and more of my stuff backlogged to roughly the dates which I wrote. Just have to find the time to locate those bits and pieces of papers which manage to capture those significant moments of my life.

So blessed...

I feel so blessed. Blessed that I am able to own my own home, blessed that I have my own transport, blessed that I have great work mentors, blessed that I am able to adapt into most situations (i said most, not all, i am human afterall), but most of all, I am blessed with friends I can count on and listen to my occassional rants about the happenings and turmoils happening around me without prejudice. These are the few I trust my life with (and at this point, my emotions. Yes, there is always the first time). Thanks for being within the inner circle.

Btw, thanks staggy, for meeting me late at night and helping me see things thru the dust and clutter , despite your early morning flight tomorrow. Really needed to hear those words from you.

Resurrection!

Its been about a year since my last blog post. Yes loads of changes since then. Perspectives changed, environment changed, still Philosophical though. Been reinventing myself again and again. Challenging myself on career matters and trying to get back on being the adventurous dude I was yonks ago.

Some of you may ask why start again suddenly? Well, part of reinventing myself again. For the past few years, I have moved from Business Biz Dev roles to Management Consulting Roles then sort of fell into technical consulting and now have made a concious decision to move into a softer field. HR Consulting. How does that relate to me resurrecting my blog? Well, being in Management anf Technical Consulting I have to say I got introverted. Hiding in my lil cubby hole and occupying myself reports, frameworks, PM skills, learning technical jargons and also for most part hiding my emotions due to past relationship experience (BTW, Experience is what you get when you dont get what you wanted - Dr. Randy Pausch). This was my constructive way in dealing with relationship experiences. But now, am reinventing myself by going into a softer skill environment, and there is a need to be more open, people oriented and gain some soft skills. Hence, this blog will be part of my reinvention.

Will move my older posts from my last blog location over. Not all but the more significant ones, plus all my other jottings from all over the net. Consolidation time. :)

Am going to be more consistent with my posts and the first port of call is to get a digi cam to capture and share my new chronicles.

Till my next updated post, Cheers! :)