This is gonna hurt!

Manage to post another jotting from my past. Talks about catalyst and their part in our lives.
Had a read of it and reflected it upon some recent experiences. It has been a couple of years when I wrote this. Since then, I have journeyed long and learned a lot.

Catalysts still manifest itself before me and still manage to occasionally stir emotional turmoil within me.
And am especially thankful that there are those who still remain steadfast with me.

However, at this juncture, I have progressed much from my previous perspectives.

Before I cursed at hurtful catalysts and vowed to cast the wounded memories into pits of my mental crypt; never to let them resurface for the fear it may trigger some emotional response which may lead me into a feeble path.
I amplified my logical self to subdue my emotional sensitivities and built towering walls to seclude my emotions from harm, hate and despair.

Oh, how I deluded myself.
Deluded myself into thinking that emotional suppression was the solution to stay strong, impregnable and grow.

Goodness! I am sorely mistaken.
The walls shielded me momentarily.
Truth be told, the walls were far more damaging than I thought.
The walls inhibited my growth.
Like a pampered child, I only allowed myself to stumble upon areas with minimal exposure to harm, hate and despair.
And this hindered my ability to manage authentic experiences; especially to those exceptional catalyst who managed to break or was unknowing led thru the walls.
It was grueling to stay focused, calm and composed to say the least.

I now accept that building walls, shielding and secluding is not the solution.
It has made me weaker instead.
Over time, I found myself amplifying my need on steadfast support, and
spiraled around topics which weren’t addressed; for they lay “safe” within the confines of my impregnable wall.
I only manage to resolve the symptoms, where its pristine core was left free to cast more mayhem upon me.

Now, I find myself faced with a multitude of catalysts.
As though there was a global catalyst convention somewhere around the vicinity.
Each bringing their unique manner to infuse similar messages to me,
“Time for Change!”
“ Change!”
“ Change!”
“ Change!”

Pondering on the topic of catalysts once more, like a double edge sword, they are both good and bad depending how you perceive it.
They will bring tough lessons which makes it hard to digest
And though we want to regurgitate it out, it will be beneficial to us in the end as the lessons we learn are priceless and it readies us for better things to come; grueling at times as it may seem.

In retrospect,
I need to change and address my issues.

Time to drop the drawbridge and let the emotional side of me explore the kaleidoscope of emotions and ascertain the essential lessons each and every experience offers.
Time to address my fears and insecurities.
Time to heal and recover.
Time for self rediscovery.

Time to start digging up my mental crypt and expose it to some sunlight.
Ouch! This is gonna hurt! ;D