Fragile....

Life is soo fragile.
Just got to know that a friend has suddenly passed away.
Sudden because not so long ago, a group of us had lunch and
he was filled with vitality.

Today I learned that he went for a holiday and contracted some deadly bacteria and passed away a week later.

I sit here feeling numb as I reflect upon life in general.
Here today, gone the next.
Somehow whatever my troubles and bickerings seem so trivial.

This friend leaves behind a family.
My heart felt condolence to them.
I cannot imagine the turmoil the family is going through.
While I can relate to this because of my granmother's passing last 2 years,
I am unable to comprehend the suddeness of this passing; especially for his family.
For me, I had the opportunity to tell grandma that I love her, talk to grandma, make her happy during her remaining days, to prepare and ready myself.

This sudden passing offers his family and loved ones no opportunity to express any last messages.
So much would have left unsaid, and the agony is to carry that through the rest of one's life.
How agonizing.

Feeling powerless... I can only offer my condolences to his wife, kid and family. :(
Rest in peace my friend.
Will pray for your family.

Posting of my past...

Have converted yet another of my past writings.

Did I ever mentioned that when I decided to write these (the Reflection series) back then, I was going through yet another turbulent time in my life?
Yes. At that time, I had just quit my job, a bad fall out with a boss who had very questionable scruples.

I thought I has made good from my deliverables to the company, but only to be bashed and accused. I took accusations pretty hard as my work pretty much defined me. So, I decided to stay unemployed for a short while.

"A short while" which lasted me 6 months.
I pondered aimlessly and searched for answers which had no certain solutions.
I questioned everything and anything which lay before me.
I wanted to achor myself to a something which defines my self worth.
And what I found were mushy jello which cannot be anchored.

To add insult to the injury, my support pillars crumbled.
My career was spiralling towards uncertainty,
My friendships withered away, (only a few remained)
My romantic relationship decayed,
My financials were dwindling,
My family were rejected by me, and
My faith was at an all time low.

Indeed, I fell into a melancholic abyss.......

In the midst of my turbulent time,
I found refuge in writing these Reflections
To remind me of my journeys and blessings.
Thankfully, I recovered and decided to prioritise my life and get it back in order.

Anyway, here is another writing during this time.
Reflections of my Past: Part III

RUSH!

Faster and faster,
I am the speed master,
Pulsating winks of light beats ever so rapidly till
Ribbons of light streams long before and after
Smudged images blurs on hastily as it engulfs my peripheral vision
Speed readings slides past the 200 mark.
Stay focused!
I need speed!

Corners swiftly sweep on by as traction glues me to the tarmac like I am on rails.
Bystanders cheer on, as I dive in and out of bends with utmost authority.
No time to waste,
No time to admire the scenic backgrounds blurring past,
No time to pick up hitch hikers,
No time for passengers.
I need to get to my next destination.. yesterday.

Depending on my fancy,
I focused on singular pursuits at a time,
driving and accelerating my depth excessively.
Like an addict who pursues the next high,
I increasingly relished the burst of vigor and dynamism each subsequent pursuit injects.
I can hardly contain my patience to get that fix.
I needed more and more, much more than before.

Now the pursuit has transported me to a plateau where
repeated rushing to my desired destinations has lost its significance and appeal,
The associated thrills and vigor which once gratified my insatiable desire for rushed achievements seems to dwindle and become common place.
I have arrived…

Arrived at a point where I exhibit nonchalant mannerism towards my invariable need to reach the next ledge.
Pondering upon my hurried journeys in retrospect,
I recall my own vindication on being excessively focused on rushing from one pursuit to another.
Equilibrium was a foreign philosophy to me.
Pursuits and speedy outcomes was my focus and that I managed well.

Currently standing on this plateau, I soak up the moment and take a deep breath.
The view of the sunset dimming and diffusing into twilight seems to evoke a sense of appreciation for such beauty within.
Deep breathes of clean crisp air invigorates my soul as gentle breeze caresses my skin.

As I now recall, I realize that the bystander’s cheers were not of encouragement but one which cautions me to slow down.
Take it slow!
Enjoy your surroundings!
Live the moment!
Nurture your patience!
Don’t rush!

Fortunately, it is not too late to retract my neglect;
My neglect for the things/people/situations/myself which I have taken for granted.
It is cliché but true
that the enjoyment lies not in the destination but within the journey itself.

And so the rushed journey ends
as the nurturing journey begins
Directing itself towards the notion of equilibrium.
Equilibrium in the things I want to achieve,
Equilibrium in the relationships I develop and
Equilibrium for my remaining years ahead.

Where am I headed?
Over here, over there, could be anywhere
So long as the journey allows me to savor the moment and live the now.

No more rushing about……

Quotes from Movies

Sometimes, even movie dialogues can be poetic.

This is from V for Vendetta. Love the words used and the manner in which each sentence is expressed. Dramatic. Great voice acting.

papergirl

Over the past month or so, I had the privilege to be introduced to papergirl's "love poem" recital through a youtube video someone sent me. Oh, how I savoured the poem she recited. Her passion, witty expressions and choice of apt words embedded within her recitals bowled me over. I was motivated to share her poem here. So, I asked for permission to put her "love poem" here, and EUREKA! I got it.
(*Thanks, Mary! For letting me to post your poem here*)

Enjoy!

======================================
love poem 2002.
Tennessee Mary Fons, copyright 2005

this poem is for the pillow clutchers/for those looking into the imaginary eyes of the person who fills their mind with sugarplum smiles/for those who have a cannon of dreams ready and waiting to blossom/for the men and the women who want to be understood in that way that only someone who kisses you can understand you/this poem is for you.

this poem is not for the desperate/the pathetic/the lame/the loser/not for the one who hasn’t gotten laid in awhile/not for the one who says they’re “choosing not to date” for awhile/there is no such thing/this poem is for the people who cannot bring themselves to admit that they would give their right leg for any length of time with the person on their mind.

forgive me/I am not a brave woman/I do not know what lurks in the hearts of humans and I don’t really want to know/if what’s there mirrors memories I show in my face on bad days it holds kisses that are long gone/people who have disappeared/and passions that have faded into the ether of the past/nothing lasts/that is the one lesson this coward can say she is able to teach.

this poem is for all those who wish to say “I’m sorry”/I’m sorry I couldn’t love you/you deserve love/I’m sorry I couldn’t give something to you/you deserve to be given to/I’m sorry that for every person that loves somebody/another person just doesn’t want to/and sometimes we’re the lucky ones/right/we get to feel sweet truth in the night/the bodies we reach out to are miraculously there/but I know the despair that comes when they are not/I know the long nights and the doubt and the fear and that crawling back to a womb that just isn’t there/I know intensity’s address and the letdown that rents there/I’m sorry for it/it takes years off your life and it cannot be avoided.

and some times these little words are crutches for the crush that we feel/so this poem is a pathetic vehicle for me to tell you/each one of you/that I love you/in so many ways/in the same ways that stay up nights and days/dreaming up the perfect way to be there for someone/meals you would cook for them/poems you would write for them and the things you plan to say when they say no/well I love you/and you will never know how in the slight of a magician’s hand we could’ve been lovers and grandly in love/could’ve changed the whole game/written words on the horizon/changed the compromise/but you will know something else instead/bitter as bitter ever gets/more bitter than a rotten peach pit/more bitter than a child’s most terrifying nightmare at night/you will know that I don’t reflect what I see in your eyes/will will share some banal recognition/some cordial understanding but have I mentioned that I love you for not lying/so many people lying all the time/I hate them/so I love you/and you will still go home alone/and that is very hard to do.

for all the humans with love for those who aren’t their lovers/I love you.

and so the poem ends because we know that it will/but before it slips away like everything else/I will attempt the only words I can think of that are a fraction as good as a kiss: when you reach out at night and find not someone/but the cold grey light of day that wakes you up like a slap/like a curse/like an insult/I love you/when you stay at home thinking of those who are long gone or those who are getting kisses from someone that is not you/I love you/for those who want what they probably need and whose bodies are starving not for food/for me and for you and for all the people who never knew or understood what you would do for them/I love you/I love you/I love you.
======================================

I am an instant fan!

Here is Mary's recital on youtube. Great stuff.



Also, for those who would like to tantalise your poetic appetite with more of Mary's work, you can get your fix at her Youtube channel. More great stuff. Link

More from my distant past

Been too busy these days as I am rushing to clear my projects before my exit. I really want to clear things off and hence I am working today despite it being a public holiday. And I still have the cough and fever.

No time to write fresh stuff, though I want to. In fact I have made a list of things to write. I hope that during my 3 week break, I am able to pen some new stuff down.

In the meantime, I did manage to muster up some time to retype my Reflections articles. This is Part Deux: The sequel :P

A pretty dark time for me. Let's hope I never venture there ever again. Link

Pattern Shifts

Last night, I had insightful discussion with a very close friend; one whom I call my spiritual sibling. Don’t ask me why or how come? It just feels right as he is one of those very few whom I have no qualms expressing my inner thoughts to. And time and time again, he has broaden my perspectives.

The topic of discussion was on how we as human beings function through a series of patterns. How we eat, how we wear stuff, thought process, things we choose to do…. The crux of the discussion was in reference to the dissatisfaction, unhappiness, frustrations, depressions, one feels at a particular point in time. And the reason one would feel that way is attributed to the patterns in which they live by. Usually when a person already feels the negative emotions of his/her life, it’s probably too late to mitigate the situation.

The remedy as he so wisely pointed out is to shift living patterns to negate negative emotions; its what he describes it as pattern shift. While the privilege few may have been exempted from such a situation, the rest of us would have gone through this in one way or another.

This thought really propels those electrical charges within my brain. Reason being is that while I was looking fine on the outside, I was in a slight melancholic state inside. Thankfully, I am changing my living patterns and in the midst of transitioning into another phase in my life. It feels good; for now.

And so I will leave you dear readers with this thought, for the men and the women who feels trapped within the clutches and confines of your life or a part thereof. Trace your patterns. Trace your patterns to the happy trails which casts the warm sunlight against your face, where flowers bloom and breathless sights endlessly encapsulates your peripheral vision, and stay there. You belong there. And for those patterns which casts a tall dark shadow over your world, fills your heart with yearnings which supresses your fiery passion filled spirit from the days of your innocent past, I say exchange it. Exchange it for one which sparks and fans flames of passion within and nurtures your field of dreams and wait for it to bloom.

Bloom, Baby, Bloom!

Feeling ill

Goodness, the damn cough is really getting to me. Havent been able to sleep a wink for the past few days. Part anxiety part coughing.... when will this ever end? *cough* *cough*

Despite of the cough, I managed to scrounged out another piece of little treasure from my past. Hope you enjoy it. Link

The reprise of Detoxification

This is something I wrote a long time ago. Found it in some nook and cranny within the web under some pseudonym. Took me a while to locate it.

As for the jotting, this was a turbulent time where I was left very very vulnerable. And in the midst of finding a remedy for myself, I found my perspectives which would then drive me for years to come.

Here is a reprise of that jotting. Link

Btw, as I search out and convert my writings, there will be more and more of my stuff backlogged to roughly the dates which I wrote. Just have to find the time to locate those bits and pieces of papers which manage to capture those significant moments of my life.

So blessed...

I feel so blessed. Blessed that I am able to own my own home, blessed that I have my own transport, blessed that I have great work mentors, blessed that I am able to adapt into most situations (i said most, not all, i am human afterall), but most of all, I am blessed with friends I can count on and listen to my occassional rants about the happenings and turmoils happening around me without prejudice. These are the few I trust my life with (and at this point, my emotions. Yes, there is always the first time). Thanks for being within the inner circle.

Btw, thanks staggy, for meeting me late at night and helping me see things thru the dust and clutter , despite your early morning flight tomorrow. Really needed to hear those words from you.

Resurrection!

Its been about a year since my last blog post. Yes loads of changes since then. Perspectives changed, environment changed, still Philosophical though. Been reinventing myself again and again. Challenging myself on career matters and trying to get back on being the adventurous dude I was yonks ago.

Some of you may ask why start again suddenly? Well, part of reinventing myself again. For the past few years, I have moved from Business Biz Dev roles to Management Consulting Roles then sort of fell into technical consulting and now have made a concious decision to move into a softer field. HR Consulting. How does that relate to me resurrecting my blog? Well, being in Management anf Technical Consulting I have to say I got introverted. Hiding in my lil cubby hole and occupying myself reports, frameworks, PM skills, learning technical jargons and also for most part hiding my emotions due to past relationship experience (BTW, Experience is what you get when you dont get what you wanted - Dr. Randy Pausch). This was my constructive way in dealing with relationship experiences. But now, am reinventing myself by going into a softer skill environment, and there is a need to be more open, people oriented and gain some soft skills. Hence, this blog will be part of my reinvention.

Will move my older posts from my last blog location over. Not all but the more significant ones, plus all my other jottings from all over the net. Consolidation time. :)

Am going to be more consistent with my posts and the first port of call is to get a digi cam to capture and share my new chronicles.

Till my next updated post, Cheers! :)