Tai Chi

First and foremost it is not what you think, I am not going into that…. In fact the more I see or say it, The more I despise it. I despise it not for its health benefits, I despise it not for its graceful movements, I despise it not for its self defense…. Actually, I despise it for its self defense properties. Let me explain.

Around the world, Tai Chi is a graceful art of self defense and exercise. Here where I live, it has a second connotation. Here Tai Chi also referred to as the art of deflecting or escaping responsibilities. I am implore anyone who reads this…. DO NOT TAI CHI YOUR WORK TO OTHERS!!!! It is damn irritating. Please grow up and take responsibility as you are assigned.

I had an unusual displeasure of experiencing such atrocious situation It happened when a call for help reached out to me to manage a logistics for a meeting. As I was busy, I politely declined. However, due to this person’s being out of the country at the setup time and persistence, I finally agreed. Little did I know that there was more to come. When the meeting came, This were set up and done with. But this person decided to push the envelope.

First it was the meeting briefing to participants, Again, this person asked me (or tai chi-ed) to do the briefing. Without much hesitation, I did. I was there, and could spare 5 minutes. Then came the second briefing, Again, I was again Tai Chi-ed to do the briefing. I did. Came the third, This person had to arrange for logistics after the meeting. Up came this person expecting me to do it, Since I did the setup this person must have thought. But I had other things to do so I couldn’t do it. Then came the fourth, Again I was tai chi-ed to give another briefing. I got annoyed and declined. Thinking that persistence would work again, This person kept on Tai Chi-ing the 3rd briefing to me. Standing steadfast I declined (Which part of NO does this person not understand, the “N” or the “O”?)

Seeing that this was getting nowhere
This person showed the bratty side and stormed off.
Eventually, this person did the briefing but manage to tai chi the logistics to another.
For the rest of the evening, I was given the cold shoulder and bratty face.
After the meeting as everyone (including me) packing up,
This person, the Project Manager, hid in a room and not lend a hand.
I know that there are other work to be done,
But so does everyone.

I FAIL to understand the premise of this attitude.
Project Manage means you have to ensure that things go well,
And if need be, get the hands abit dirty to get the job done,
NOT Tai Chi work and show bratty faces when things don’t go your way.

So, dear readers PLEASE DO NOT TAI CHI YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES TO OTHERS.
It pisses off others when they do the work and you are not contributing.

Winds of change

The time has dawn down on me once again...
inevitably forcing me to change.
Things around me are no longer the same,
yet my inherent nature wants to remain the same,
But my inner thoughts dictates that if I don't (change),
it will lead me to my peril.

The signs are already showing.....
Seems that I have fallen off my previous path which drive me.....
Oh so desperately I run to climb back on....













Still running...
Still panting...
Gasping for air...
My legs burning....
Heart throbbing...
Losing focus...

The darker part of me tells me to just forget it....
"You lost your groove.....aint gonna get it back"

Yet another stands steadfast encouraging me,
"Persistence will bring its rewards..... Soldier on...."

Each day that voice carries me through another....
Cradling me when stumble...
Nursing me when I bleed...
Pushing me when I get fatigue....
I am praying that it will not stop

... till I get my groove back....

I am soo blessed!!!

I realise that I am.....

...not the most easy person to live with,
...bottle up,
...show my temper in silence,
...get disengaged when things dont go my way,
...impatient,
...stubborn.

But I am blessed with those around me
who put up with my imperfections,
and I have alot to be thankful for.

For that, I would like to thank all of the one(s) who,
...helps me constantly regardless of my situation,
...puts up with my temper,
...is supremely patient with me,
...lends a listening ear when I am ranting,
...guides me when I am lost,
...accompanies me when I am lost,
...pushes me when I get complacent,
...motivates me when I get lazy,
...inspires me when I drift aimlessly,
...helps me see above and beyond my peripheral vision,
...nurses me when I am sick,
...provides for me when empty,
...makes me whole when parts of me are missing.

I THANK ALL OF YOU for being there when I needed you most.

Most of all I thank GOD for rounding these outstanding individuals to aide me.

Bless you all.

My Journey's End

I know not what destination this path is leading me
I know not what characters I will be meeting
I do pray that I am able to see the destination of which its
trials and tribulations has obstructed my enjoyment of the journey.

Though they say that the destination matters not,
Tis the journey that matters,
At this current moment,
I beg to differ as
the destination will make the hardships and tribulations easier to endure.

This path is a full of characters, though
the journey seems filled with acquaintances which are distant.
Perhaps tis within I shall have to look and understand
Before my self expectations are imposed on to others,
for at times I fail to even understand what drives me to behave the way I do.

For that I do seek help,
to reconcile and understand my internal turmoils,
to focus on things which matters to me,
to lead myself towards the journey I desire,
So I may live free and meaningful.

For this I pray this understanding shall be granted to me,
So I may enjoy a fruitful journey towards my destination.
And through this journey, I seek to find the companions and partners
Which will forever enrich my life till my journey's end.

Still water runs deep...

Frustrations plunders my inner sanctuary,

Yet I do not allow the shattering depths of myself to surface.

Tranquility and Turmoil sharing my inner real estate.

It seems the walls which bounded me remains erected,

Imprisoning me from my desired freedom.

Chains which I once broke free from,

Are once again shackled at my ankles.

When will I be able to break free.

Am I able to break free?

In all the inner commotion,

All is calm on the surface.

Landscape remains flat with no notion of emotion.

Faceless expression shows no form of depression,

Yet there is a sense of dread which is under.

How will I break free?

When will I break free?

That is what remains unanswered.

Till the end I will know,

The true form of freedom will show.

Tis that time I can truely be free.

From my inner sanctuary.

The Road Ahead...

Hmm.. seems that the only time I write is
when I face uncertainties and challenges
Its that time again when I have to pen my thoughts.
I am again facing uncertainties,
Seems that I have fallen out of a relationship.
Just counldn't work it out and expectations on both ends didn't match.
Distance from my end was growing.
Things which I should have spoken, I didn't.
Guess that part of me still needs some work.
[note to self, need to improve on personal communication to others]

And to be fair she tried,
just that I kept her guessing me for far too long.
But the thing which broke it was her trip....
or shall I say trips.
Those decisions made didn't involve me,
and I felt it should have.
Afterall, we were in a relationship
and any decisions made had to take to the other into account.
And that didn't happen.

We were on different paths.
And for one brief period,
we were on parallel tracks.
And now those tracks are parting.
I guess its for the better.
And the decision was at least quick and clear.

Though there some sadness in me,
I am managing it.
And I am grateful [to God] to be given this experience.
Wouldn't change a thing if I had to redo any of it,
for I know HE has planned this for me to learn and grow.
Preparing me for my next relationship.
(Thank YOU Lord for this experience,
I know YOU are always looking out for my interest)

Now I continue my journey...
Hopefully the next experience,
I am able to embrace some constant in my relationship.
....

Careful what you wish for....

I once wished for things which I long to attain
I once wished for things which I thought will make things better
I once wished for things which I imagined would take me to greater heights..
And for once, it came true.

And while I was happy
I was blinded to the fact that
For every wish,
For every benefit,
For every light,
There is balance.
And the balance offsets the benefits.
As the saying goes.. it cuts both ways.

And as I assess it....
Either way, I would have to face up the downside of my granted wish.
How do I cope?
... turn a blind eye and assume things will turn out better?
Fraid not...

Now I am at a junction.....
... to stay or to let go....
such are the challenges of wishes...
Keep wishing.. and face up to the challenge of longing for it..... or
Receive the wish and take up the new challenges it brings...
cuts both ways..... :(

Tabula rasa

Tabula rasa refers to the epistemological thesis that individuals are born without built-in mental content and that their knowledge comes from experience and sensory perception.

For me, most interactions I have with others seem so.
I frequently find myself in a tabula rasa state with others.
Maybe its the defensive mechanism built upon me
subsequent the lessons I learned
from the multitude of past relationships
which enables me to move on and start a new.

There it seems I am most comfortable,
There it seems I find serenity,
My abode from all that defines the harshness of my reality.
Here I am able to gather my monologues
which seems to be devoid of emotions and
bountiful of logic and experience.

And that very logic and experience depicts that
I am only present where I am needed...
I will be present to those who need me
And once my tasks are completed and no longer needed,
I will once again set of upon another journey to which
will lead me to one who needs my presence.
in and out and all about..
Explains my melancholic demeanor.

Hard as I try to break free,
I find that every confine which I escape
leads me to another.
Still trying to find the absolute way out.
I pray that HE will lead me out of this.

"Lord, grant me safe passage out of the confines
which entraps me.
Lead me out of this repetitive blank slate which
restricts me,
Free me from all that binds me,
for I want to fill the blank slate and make it stay.
Amen"

A new day, a new challenge.....

Standing atop the ledge,
A lone voice shouts triumphant!
A sense of achievement encapsulates the moment and
A burden lifted

... or so it seems.
Now what has transpired
is the sense of insecurity
and another ledge has come forth

Stay, be contented and accept what lies before oneself
Or strive towards the ledge which has come forth.
Its effortless to stay,
But strenuous to go.....

Such are my monologues
However there are other elements which
makes this composite ever so confusing...
Stay and strive on the current, or
Move on and strive on another heading, or
Stay and wallow in the depths of oneself.

Thats a decision which now I have to commit to.
Definitely, the latter is not my preferred option,
For the preference is the former two.
I am really at a split on the two.
And I havent derived the answer.

Seems that HE is testing me yet again.
And the lessons are still coming as with the hurdles.
Yet I know not which path to undertake.
I pray that whilst HE is testing me,
HE will also provide guidance which
will give me clarity.

For this I pray that HE will grant me guidance in this.....

Rest if you must, but dont you not quit on us.....

Ahhh..... tis time I grace the pages of my musings once again,
Have been taking a breather from the creative side of my introspective self.
OK, so its a long breather.. but a good one.

For one brief moment, I had the perspective that the ledge I have been looking for
has been attained. "I am at my plateau"... the ledge which I so desperately wanted to find. For a while it seems like that too...

But as all good thing must come to an end, so has this.
I am beginning to sense what is yet an inevitable shift in my stable abode.
I should know as I have walked the path of many cycles, stumbling, tumbling and crashing.

Sensing "rain" approaching, I once again have to prepare change.
I have to set my sights on the next ledge in which I have to scale.
Seems that it is inevitable to escape my mountain goat nature.
Seems that I have yet another ledge to find and to climb
For the stable grounds which I have nested so far,
is set to crumble like a house of cards.

All the introspective monologues have resurfaced,
and started murmuring...
From silent whispers like the cool breeze sweeping across the meadow,
I now feel the vocal waves of chatter and clatter within....
"Rest if you must, but don't you quit on us!"
Indeed, I have rested, its time to journey on...
On to the next ledge which promises nothing but the present moment itself.

If anything at all my journeys has taught me one thing,
appreciate the present for the present it has presented to me.
For it has given me the opportunity to experience.
Whatever happens next is the next experience which I should appreciate,
be it good or bad. Think I am prepared. I better be....
for the experiences I have accumulate so far
has led me to this ledge which in turn will lead me to another....

Sounds confusing... try being with my inner self... ;P

2008

Been a while since I penned down anything,
For some its a good sign,
As those who frequent my musings know,
most of my writings are about turbulent circumstances.

Since my last entry,
circumstances have been kind.
Have been blessed with opportunities
to test my lessons and my ability to
accommodate and navigate through these forth comings.
Indeed, I have grown tremendously this year.

I am truly blessed and thankful for all
which is provided to me,
regardless the sentiments which it inflicts.

As the year completes its final cycle,
I am grateful for all it has taught me.
I feel more composed and more controlled.

Merci beaucoup to all which played a part in my growth.
And a fond Adieu to 2008.
This is truly the year which I am become an adult.
A part of me has gone in passing,
Whilst another has risen in its place.

So whats in store for 2009?
More lessons no doubt.
However, I feel more ready to confront these unknown forth comings.
And I shall face them with vigour.

Cheers!