Had an interesting conversation tonite.
What was supposed to be a get to know each other session
Turned out to be a revelation of my subconscious self.
As the conversation went,
Thoughts of my subconscious flooded over to my consciousness.
And as I sit and ponder those thoughts,
I came to realization that the reason that I am unable to be fully understood,
Was not the fact that I didnt let anyone near my dreaded fears;
nor was it others have not tried hard enough to understand me.
The REAL reason of my solitude was....
the inner complexities within me which makes others hard to comprehend and digest.
This leads to my solitude,
And as I curse the world for not being able to understand me,
It was me who is far to complex too be understood.
And though I try to mask this by reiterating the notion of simplicity within me,
I have come to realise is I AM FAR TOO COMPLEX A PERSON TO BE UNDERSTOOD to begin with....
Took me this long to realise this.
Others are unable to relate, thats a fact,
And I pray that one eventually will.
Till then, I will try my very best to untangle myself from this complexity which
I have weaved and knotted myself in.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Complexity which is Me
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I am soo blessed!!!
I realise that I am.....
...not the most easy person to live with,
...bottle up,
...show my temper in silence,
...get disengaged when things dont go my way,
...impatient,
...stubborn.
But I am blessed with those around me
who put up with my imperfections,
and I have alot to be thankful for.
For that, I would like to thank all of the one(s) who,
...helps me constantly regardless of my situation,
...puts up with my temper,
...is supremely patient with me,
...lends a listening ear when I am ranting,
...guides me when I am lost,
...accompanies me when I am lost,
...pushes me when I get complacent,
...motivates me when I get lazy,
...inspires me when I drift aimlessly,
...helps me see above and beyond my peripheral vision,
...nurses me when I am sick,
...provides for me when empty,
...makes me whole when parts of me are missing.
I THANK ALL OF YOU for being there when I needed you most.
Most of all I thank GOD for rounding these outstanding individuals to aide me.
Bless you all.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Still water runs deep...
How will I break free?
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Rest if you must, but dont you not quit on us.....
Ahhh..... tis time I grace the pages of my musings once again,
Have been taking a breather from the creative side of my introspective self.
OK, so its a long breather.. but a good one.
For one brief moment, I had the perspective that the ledge I have been looking for
has been attained. "I am at my plateau"... the ledge which I so desperately wanted to find. For a while it seems like that too...
But as all good thing must come to an end, so has this.
I am beginning to sense what is yet an inevitable shift in my stable abode.
I should know as I have walked the path of many cycles, stumbling, tumbling and crashing.
Sensing "rain" approaching, I once again have to prepare change.
I have to set my sights on the next ledge in which I have to scale.
Seems that it is inevitable to escape my mountain goat nature.
Seems that I have yet another ledge to find and to climb
For the stable grounds which I have nested so far,
is set to crumble like a house of cards.
All the introspective monologues have resurfaced,
and started murmuring...
From silent whispers like the cool breeze sweeping across the meadow,
I now feel the vocal waves of chatter and clatter within....
"Rest if you must, but don't you quit on us!"
Indeed, I have rested, its time to journey on...
On to the next ledge which promises nothing but the present moment itself.
If anything at all my journeys has taught me one thing,
appreciate the present for the present it has presented to me.
For it has given me the opportunity to experience.
Whatever happens next is the next experience which I should appreciate,
be it good or bad. Think I am prepared. I better be....
for the experiences I have accumulate so far
has led me to this ledge which in turn will lead me to another....
Sounds confusing... try being with my inner self... ;P
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Reflections: The Jumper (Part 1)
I never knew why I didn't really penned this down before. This was one of those crucial moments where subsequently I literally changed. One of my more memorable achievements which I like to share. Enjoy!
-------------------------------------------------------------
The aurora gently lights up the sky,
Slowly unveiling the scenic landscape from the blanket of darkness which preceded it.
Cool fresh air in abundance.
Deep breaths,
Racing heartbeats,
Bounded legs,
Tense nerves,
Swelling anxieties,
Contradicting thoughts,
I can think of no better moment to do this.
I can think of no better way to go.
There is no turning back now.
I must face this head on, I must….
Three, Two, One……………….
All this began with the organization of a trip by the international students club.
A fairly simple free and easy trip to visit the infamous lake Taupo
to garner an appreciation for the magnificent views and splendor it has to offer.
One of the largest lakes in NZ, Lake Taupo is it is touted to fit the Singapore into it.
Breath taking views with full of activities,
All the right ingredients to make this an astonishing excursion.
Some arrive to soak up the spectacle,
Some arrive to rest and relax,
Some arrive to treat themselves with the multiple activities Taupo has to offer.
For me, I came here to settle a vendetta.
A personal vendetta which has haunted me for ages.
…my fear of heights.
My vendetta with this fear needs a finale.
Either I conquer and rise above it
Or be forever buried into the depths of my own fearful abyss.
The venue, A.J Hackett’s Bungy facility at Waikato River Valley,
upstream of Huka Falls, and just 5 minutes from the Great Lake.
The arena, a metal platform which stretches out from a cliff edge.
45 meters (147 feet) above the crystal clear ravine which leads into the lake.
Comparatively, that’s about as high as a 10 storey building.
Just the day before,
A group of us who in unison wanted to conquer our fears and satisfy our taste for adrenaline
sat afar at the foot of the ravine,
Looking and witnessing others who wanted to take the jump.
Some jumped and some withdrew,
There was even one HUGE Maori who needed 3 Bungy cords to accommodate his excessive mass.
He didn’t take leap.
As I watched the Maori retract his courage,
I imagined the sort of courage I myself needed to amass
to be standing at the edge of the platform…… and jump.
As the day dwindled down, we were left pondering
how will we all react standing at the edge.
That night, I was unable to lay myself to rest.
No doubt, the duel which lay ahead the next day had a lot to do with it.
One by one, the rest gave in to fatigue as I remained.
I was left with the familiar circumstance of being alone
to accumulate my nerve under the twinkling stars
sprinkled across the backdrop of the vast ebony sky…
At the break of dawn,
We were the first to arrive at the facility,
We registered, paid and literally signed our lives away.
For me, there was a unique sensation paying then signing the disclaimer.
As a close supporter so rightly put it,
“You pay others to gamble your lives away, only to relieve them
from any responsibility should anything happen to you.”
The words “ironic” and “paradoxical” flashes across my mind and
for one brief moment, I could have swore the word
“Fool” and “Sucker” emerged across my forehead.
I feverishly rubbed those words off, as I proceeded to the battle arena.
The 10 meter long platform protruding out from the cliff.
My competitive nature surfaces as I expressed my desire to be the first to leap off the platform.
Though I expected some resistance from the group, there were none.
I even thought of justifications as to why I wanted to be first.
Hmm….. At that split moment, I felt the familiar nudges under my forehead of re-emerging words.
Seated down at the front, I found myself getting acquainted with the 2 kiwi operators.
They spoke among themselves sharing past experiences.
While I think fate had nothing to with it, it was more them playing a demented prank on me,
They decided to openly “share” their mistakes with previous jumpers with me.
Careless mistakes, faulty equipment, emergency medical procedures, obituaries.
All these elements were weaved into a series of unfortunate news broadcasts to inform me of their “expertise”.
Even as they fasten my ankles with towels and Velcro, they told me that its old and a tad faulty.
They even asked me if I saw last night’s news…..
and when I answered no, they said it was good that I didn’t.
I shouldn’t be watching last night’s news, due to some unfortunate incident involving them, a jumper and some faulty Bungy cord.
One of them even offered to wash my hair by calibrating the Bungy cord to dunk my head into the ravine.
Gulp! All of a sudden, my own fears slowly cast a looming shadow over my intrepid temperament.
The 2 kiwis gestured me to step forward.
And now the time has arrived…
Reflections: The Jumper (Part 2)
On the cliff edge,
Deep breaths,
Racing heartbeats,
Bounded legs,
Tense nerves,
Swelling anxieties,
Contradicting thoughts,
I can think of no better moment to do this.
I can think of no better way to go.
There is no turning back now.
I must face this head on, I must….
Three, Two, One…. BUNGY!
And with a flying kiss of victory in front of the video camera,
I leaned forward.
My nerves are still intact and as concrete as can be,
Slowly, the gradient of my body descents….to the point of no return.
At that point, a devastating sensation of fear engulfs me,
shooting fear down my spine and firing panic signals simultaneously throughout my body.
And for that one minuscule point… time for me slowed to a standstill….
Though cliché, my life flashed before my mind and my eyes.
All the things I did, good or bad got together and decided hold a mardi gras in my mind.
What I did, what I didn’t, what I wanted to do, what I needed to do,
all jumbled up into one intricate kaleidoscope of visions.
What was a split second in reality, felt like a lifetime.
As I continued my rapid descent, more and more thoughts piled through my mind.
And then I had a moment of sudden understanding or revelation.
I had visions of what I can do better, what I ought to do and what I am required to do.
I understand my purpose, my passion and my zeal.
A gentle tug at my feet, breaks my mesmerized state and brings me back to the situation at hand.
I realized that I have arrived at the recoil point,
and with a gentle increase in tension, I was swept back up in an accelerated manner.
Ascending rapidly, I found myself hurtling towards the platform from where I leaped,
Moving closer towards a viewing window fixated in the middle of the platform.
And in my energized state, I sent a flirtatious flying kiss to all the viewers looking down upon me.
I could hear the ladies cheer on as I once again fall prey to gravity.
By then I am drunk with the sense of excitement and achievement.
Probably due to the flood of adrenaline pumping through my veins.
Once my bounce lost all its momentum, I was released from my binds and ferried to the riverbank.
There I sat feeling extremely exhilarated on my achievement and ready to take on the world.
Over the next hour or so, I was joined by my other Bungy counterparts,
each feeling ecstatic, each owning our personal epiphanies.
As the night returns, we sat around once more recollecting our achievements.
Though I am unable to express what my counterparts took away that day,
For me, I came out a changed person.
I felt strong, confident and vigorous.
That I am able to overcome whatever that crosses my path.
To do whatever I want to do and to achieve whatever I want to achieve.
What’s next? Skydiving? Diving with Great Whites? Surfing? Speed Skating?
Who knows? But whatever it is I choose to do…
I know I can do it!
….now, if only I can distinguish which part is the adrenaline talking and what comes from within….
:P
Epilogue
As we watched the part where I leaped, we heard “Damn! Missed by a few inches!”
Those 2 kiwi operators had every intention of dunking me into the ravine. B*st*rds!
A year later, I had my second jump down in Queenstown off a suspended cable carriage.
Higher and more intense.
About 134 meters at Nevis Highwire Bungy. (About 439 ft)
Though the increase in intensity, it wasn’t as memorable as Taupo.
But I enjoyed it immensely anyway.
And if I have the chance to do it again, I will do it without any hesitation!
Oh, you must be wondering why I don’t talk much about my second jump...
Well, mum accidently found the video of my first jump in my bag when I came home for summer holidays and the rest was history.
She made me swear not to gamble my life like that ever again.
Hence officially, there wasn’t a second jump.
Shhhh! :p
Thursday, February 21, 2002
Reflections of my past: Part IV - My Arrival
Waikato University…..
Oh, Hawaii! Nice! Loads of pretty ladies there hula-ing around.
That’s Waikiki University,
Waikato University is in New Zealand…
Oh…. (awkward silence……)
That’s the usual conversation when the name of my university was mentioned.
That’s how obscure my University was, despite it being the No. 1 business school in NZ.
Waikato University, the sanctuary and foundation for my learning.
And Yes, I am proud to be part of that heritage.
I for one would have never contested to the fact that
I could have turned out horribly wrong (I have been there), that
I could not enjoy the privilege of a good education and
could eventually end up seeking refuge from the authorities due to illegitimate exploits from past encounters.
Could have…..
Yet, in an unanticipated and miraculous sequence of circumstances,
I was graced with the opportunity to re-inaugurate myself towards a fresh clean path.
As though someone dispensed me a brand new canvas in replacement for the one already tainted with images and colors from my belligerent past.
Waiting for me to splash, brush, knife and paint new images with the vast array of colors which lay before me.
Those were my musings as I stood waiting for my turn to exit the aircraft,
Soon, those thoughts diminished in substitute of breathtaking and inspiring picturesque images.
Landscapes of vibrant flora and fauna fused with stretches of mountainous perfection paints itself across a panoramic spectacle of crystal clear blue skies.
All these time, my ignorance limited me to assume that images as spectacular as this would make one feel indifferent to those seemingly savored through magazines.
As if my visionary sensation wasn’t rewarding enough,
my body felt rejuvenated as I drew the cool crisp air within me.
Furthering on my disembarkation, I was greeted with consistent “Kia Ora” (General greeting in Maori, meaning "Be Well,Healthy" or Good Health), warm smiles and helpful individuals,
Each accommodating and helping this young ignorant immature adventurer towards his destination.
If this first quaint encounter with NZ is any precursor to the escapades ahead,
Yes! I am excited, eager and energized.
As I recall correctly,
One of my initial unforgettable encounters was an uneasy circumstance given my ethnic background and even more so, my lack of exposure.
Upon arriving at the airport, I was asked by university officials who were there to shuttle me to Waikato, to wait for the next group of students due to arrive in an hour or so.
Hence, I was left to satisfy my own curiosity and keep myself preoccupied till they arrive.
After exploring the airport, I found myself sitting at a common waiting area soaking in and appreciating the NZ ambiance.
My thoughts were abruptly interrupted with intimate sounds from the couple sitting on the next bench.
Becoming more passionate with each other, the muffled kisses became more obvious and started to pierce through my thoughts which was then premiering cinematic performances of rainbows, sunshine and cute kid lambs hopping everywhere in the meadows.
Though a bit disturbing, I could not resist succumbing to my curious nature to take a glance.
I saw an averagely well built man passionately kissing a person with luscious long blond hair, which I dare say comes close to those blatantly flaunted in shampoo advertisements.
Wow, love is in the air I thought, as I tried to recommence my thoughts prior.
Just then, the couple stood up and started to proceed to their next destination, either to advance their current activities or to seek a location with less prying eyes and curiosities.
As they walked by, I heard a pair of masculine voices.
I casually looked up so as not to rouse any suspicion and indentified the luscious blond counterpart as a masculine figure….. gosh! He’s a man, the pair were men!
I just witnessed my first gay encounter.
At this point, kindly allow me to pause my recollection as I feel the need to clarify the circumstance in reference above.
Let me make it clear that I have nothing against gay couples, in fact, one of my study teams were a gay couple and I think they are very nice people and they were very good study friends. And their encounter was yet another comedic tale to tell. But that’s for another time.
What culture shock!
I have seen transvestites in Thailand and Malaysia but nothing could have prepared me for intimate gay interactions.
This was different.
I mean, they were men, for crying out loud, and they were kissing passionately… in public!
After settling my ethnic opinions, I left the bench feeling that I have expanded my perspectives and gained some exposure though not in the ideal circumstance.
I then proceeded towards the gathering point, where the rest of my fellow scholars congregated to be transported to Waikiki Hawaii, just kidding :p, to Hamilton, Waikato.
The trip down to Hamilton granted me another 90 minutes of unrivalled scenery and ambiance.
We arrived to the university premises around 8pm,
where the sun’s incandescent rays seems to dwindle and dim into twilight,
where millions of twinkling stars will soon perform across the moon lit ebony sky.
I settled into College Hall, the resident hostel which will play host to all international students during the week long orientation.
After dinner, the few of us sat down to get better acquainted with each other.
Little did I know then that some of them would continue to foster lifelong strong friendships till today, hopefully tomorrow and forever more….
Saturday, February 16, 2002
Reflections of my past: Part III
“What now?”
“Get a job and work, I suppose”
That was how my first serious conversation went with Dad when I got my SPM results (similar to GCE “O” levels).
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, I barely scrounged thru when it came to high school studies.
This is mostly due to my illicit activities.
I could hear water gushing in and air bubbling out of Dad’s heart as it sank hearing my monotonous and defeated answer.
Though he tried hard to hide it, I could see the disappointment beyond his eyes.
“Let’s make a deal” Dad bounced back in his last effort to encourage me to make good of my future
“I’ll send to you college for one more year, but you need to promise me you will study hard”
Though the intention was to grant the opportunity to redeem myself from the consistent red markings in my report card,
My perspective was the opportunity to be on parental welfare a year longer to what I thought was an inevitable path given my less than upstanding credentials.
Fantastic! I get to enjoy for a year longer!
As serendipity would have it, I was cast as a misfit into a class where the best and the brightest reside.
And I do mean the best and the brightest;
five of the top ten students within my program were my humble classmates,
Three of them were top five,
And Yes, the top student sat across the classroom from me.
Academic pressure never seemed so authentic
till I scored my first A- for my midterm Economics paper
a feat I was so proud it triggered my instinctive competitive nature to compare it with the rest of the class
Only to be humbled by fact that my A- landed me within the last 10 spots among my classmates.
Distraught and devastated, I gazed into emptiness as my mind crunched and my ego bruised
Feelings of defeat filled me from within as the shroud of futility casts its dark and gloomy shadow upon my struggles to shed myself from my shameful past.
“Why so sad?” a tender voice breaks through the emptiness of my thoughts.
As I explained my situation to her, I painfully relived the ill-fated “A-“ account with classmates exhibiting scores higher than my own.
She offered her sympathies and consoled me
with statements which depicts the complexity level of the exam…
until I revealed the climax of my story… my grade itself.
“What? The highest grade in my class was a B+!”
Hearing that, I continue to sit on the balcony railing, in a moment of silence,
Pondering upon our conversation,
The gravity of the matter then hit me,
The sinking feeling anchored me down and
I came to the realization that I was congregating among the elite.
The lessons I amassed whilst with this group stretches
far beyond my expectations and intellect
Generosity was truly their virtue as they unconditionally contributed lessons after lessons towards the fundamentals of my learning aptitude.
Someone up there is looking out for me.
(*Thank You!*)
As the year ended, I manage to make proud of dad and myself.
The results were very encouraging,
something which even caught me by surprise.
Several universities of choice offered me a placing;
which I found myself ever so eager to accept
I was ecstatic!
Melbourne, Sydney, Manchester, Brisbane, Perth,
All I needed was to choose.
To choose a country with residing friends and family members.
where if needed, are able to help me.
However, serendipity had other plans as it once again weaved itself into my journey
and pulling it off tangent.
I was suggested by a confidant that I
needed to be in an environment with least distractions and little attractions
if I were to successfully complete my university degree.
needed to be in an environment where the faculty are dynamic and able to push me to excel.
She knew me well.
She knew that I was easily distracted by the luring of bright lights and endless entertainment of city life.
She knew that though I progressed by leaps and bounds, my foundation still needed to be reinforced.
She pointed bluntly that I currently needed a study sanctuary to compensate for my lack in discipline.
Damn! I cursed myself in silence as her comments couldn’t be further from the truth.
She revealed that one flaw which I thought was able to conceal.
Swallowing the bitter pill, I accepted my undeniable shortcoming.
And accepted her recommendation to jet set to New Zealand to further my studies,
A place she thought was the best sanctuary for me.
Nothing much I knew about the country.
All I knew was that NZ had a human population 2 million versus 10 million sheep;
And that if the sheep were smart and formed a political party,
Humans would be voted out and the sheep would run the country.
Within 2 weeks, my venture into the unknown was cast in stone.
I was going to a place with no friends and no relatives.
No safe haven if I needed protection.
A great opportunity to start afresh and liberate me from the wrong doings of my past.
SOMEONE up there IS looking out for me.
Tears of joy and happiness were exchanged
Proud expressions were shown
I boarded the NZ bound aircraft reflecting upon my journey thus far
I felt blessed because my life journey is filled with opportunities to alternate paths.
And more importantly,
I felt blessed with the entrusted guides positioned at every pivotal point to usher me towards the better path.
As the engines roared and my seat rumbled
I felt excited and eager to find out where this journey will lead me
Little did I know, my ignorant and seemingly hasty decision would set a path towards an adventure of a lifetime.
One journey has ended and
another is set to begin…
Thursday, January 31, 2002
Reflections of my past: Part II
Social activities weren’t as abundant as I hoped it would be.
The usual after school classes and some school activities sporadically sprinkled across my weekly schedule.
Feeling like a misfit, I longed to be affiliated to a group who wanted me.
Who doesn’t?
Soon the longing disappeared as new found associations made its path towards me.
And such associations led me to a dishonorable path which till today holds a scared memory in the depths of my past.
Rebellious attitudes and disgruntled feelings seeded itself into my consciousness.
Iniquitous activities soon became a common ground where extorts, fights and illicit acts are routine and dare I say, close to being habitual.
What have I become?!?
I have turned into the thing which goes against all that has been instilled in me by my family. Turned into this thing which has no honor, self respect and discipline whatsoever.
Spiritually rotted from within, I am beyond redemption….
All this just to savor that sense of belonging and acceptance.
As though all hope is lost, no glimmer of salvation in sight,
A kindred soul appeared out from a distance, gently and slowly inching towards me.
Her warm grace and gentle glow welcomes me to a sanctuary where I reflected upon my hideous and repulsive persona.
I gazed in disgust, in anger and in great shame as reflections of myself engulfed me.
Is there any forgiveness for someone such as I?
“Yes”, a calm, soothing and gentle voiced echoed.
The angelic figure smiled and embraced me with a foreign welcoming warmth.
Rage, Disgruntled and rebellious intentions subsided within me as I felt calming and reassuring affections.
This is the true sense of belonging and acceptance I really needed.
Henceforth, my travels towards recovery was evident, though not uncomplicated.
There were instances where withdrawal symptoms enticed me to the nether regions of my dark past.
Calling to me, like cheap call girls soliciting for
commercial arrangements with bountiful freebies to offer.
I am made of sterner attributes than this as I have found my foundation, my perspectives and my belonging.
To the angel whose warm gentle glow had salvaged me from the depths of my own demonic abyss,
"I thank you, love you and cherish you."
Wednesday, January 23, 2002
Reflections of my past: Part I
Throughout my childhood, to call me a devious little kid was an understatement.
The things I would do to drive people around me up the wall.
There was the nails on the stool stunt which landed me an intimate acquaintance with a by product of the rattan tree; Mr Rattan cane. It was that time, I had a glimpse of what mum did for a living as I did the dance of mercy every time Mr Rattan got more and more acquainted with my legs. I could have sworn I heard Michael Jackson’s “Beat it” bopping in the background. She was a disciplinary teacher. A very good one at that I assure you.
There was also this time where I helped dad shade down his spanking brand new white Alpha Romeo into dirt grey by incessantly climbing all over it barefooted. He loved that car. But I guess he loved me more, because dad was cool about the incident. He just smiled at me and proceeded to repaint the car into a dark maroon color. Yeah, dad was a cool guy. All fun and laughter.
Then there was the spark I started….. which well, turned into a small flame and then proceeded into a full blown blaze where the fire marshals were called in to put my spark out. What can I say, engulfed with the primal instinct to re-discover fire and always wanting to out do myself, I started to nurture the flame, bit by bit until it grew into an adolescent like state and like all adolescents, it grew up into rebellious little uncontrollable monsters. Similar to my Mercy dance, the rebellious flame danced and skipped and jumped, and soon…. spawning out to several others. It was then my uncle called the fire marshals to put the fire out. Hello Mr Rattan! Damn that MJ tune again.
Always wanting to know what the consequences were, I ventured into the boundaries of my parent’s sanity and then proceeded to climb over. Yes, I was a curious kid. Still am. And my childhood seems to circle around similar themes which resulted in the customary dance and acquaintances.
Life was pretty much it for me at that time. Carefree and happy for the most part. Sheesh, how I miss that.
