The Complexity which is Me

Had an interesting conversation tonite.
What was supposed to be a get to know each other session
Turned out to be a revelation of my subconscious self.

As the conversation went,
Thoughts of my subconscious flooded over to my consciousness.
And as I sit and ponder those thoughts,
I came to realization that the reason that I am unable to be fully understood,
Was not the fact that I didnt let anyone near my dreaded fears;
nor was it others have not tried hard enough to understand me.

The REAL reason of my solitude was....
the inner complexities within me which makes others hard to comprehend and digest.
This leads to my solitude,
And as I curse the world for not being able to understand me,
It was me who is far to complex too be understood.
And though I try to mask this by reiterating the notion of simplicity within me,
I have come to realise is I AM FAR TOO COMPLEX A PERSON TO BE UNDERSTOOD to begin with....

Took me this long to realise this.

Others are unable to relate, thats a fact,
And I pray that one eventually will.
Till then, I will try my very best to untangle myself from this complexity which
I have weaved and knotted myself in.

Rest if you must, but dont you not quit on us.....

Ahhh..... tis time I grace the pages of my musings once again,
Have been taking a breather from the creative side of my introspective self.
OK, so its a long breather.. but a good one.

For one brief moment, I had the perspective that the ledge I have been looking for
has been attained. "I am at my plateau"... the ledge which I so desperately wanted to find. For a while it seems like that too...

But as all good thing must come to an end, so has this.
I am beginning to sense what is yet an inevitable shift in my stable abode.
I should know as I have walked the path of many cycles, stumbling, tumbling and crashing.

Sensing "rain" approaching, I once again have to prepare change.
I have to set my sights on the next ledge in which I have to scale.
Seems that it is inevitable to escape my mountain goat nature.
Seems that I have yet another ledge to find and to climb
For the stable grounds which I have nested so far,
is set to crumble like a house of cards.

All the introspective monologues have resurfaced,
and started murmuring...
From silent whispers like the cool breeze sweeping across the meadow,
I now feel the vocal waves of chatter and clatter within....
"Rest if you must, but don't you quit on us!"
Indeed, I have rested, its time to journey on...
On to the next ledge which promises nothing but the present moment itself.

If anything at all my journeys has taught me one thing,
appreciate the present for the present it has presented to me.
For it has given me the opportunity to experience.
Whatever happens next is the next experience which I should appreciate,
be it good or bad. Think I am prepared. I better be....
for the experiences I have accumulate so far
has led me to this ledge which in turn will lead me to another....

Sounds confusing... try being with my inner self... ;P

This is gonna hurt!

Manage to post another jotting from my past. Talks about catalyst and their part in our lives.
Had a read of it and reflected it upon some recent experiences. It has been a couple of years when I wrote this. Since then, I have journeyed long and learned a lot.

Catalysts still manifest itself before me and still manage to occasionally stir emotional turmoil within me.
And am especially thankful that there are those who still remain steadfast with me.

However, at this juncture, I have progressed much from my previous perspectives.

Before I cursed at hurtful catalysts and vowed to cast the wounded memories into pits of my mental crypt; never to let them resurface for the fear it may trigger some emotional response which may lead me into a feeble path.
I amplified my logical self to subdue my emotional sensitivities and built towering walls to seclude my emotions from harm, hate and despair.

Oh, how I deluded myself.
Deluded myself into thinking that emotional suppression was the solution to stay strong, impregnable and grow.

Goodness! I am sorely mistaken.
The walls shielded me momentarily.
Truth be told, the walls were far more damaging than I thought.
The walls inhibited my growth.
Like a pampered child, I only allowed myself to stumble upon areas with minimal exposure to harm, hate and despair.
And this hindered my ability to manage authentic experiences; especially to those exceptional catalyst who managed to break or was unknowing led thru the walls.
It was grueling to stay focused, calm and composed to say the least.

I now accept that building walls, shielding and secluding is not the solution.
It has made me weaker instead.
Over time, I found myself amplifying my need on steadfast support, and
spiraled around topics which weren’t addressed; for they lay “safe” within the confines of my impregnable wall.
I only manage to resolve the symptoms, where its pristine core was left free to cast more mayhem upon me.

Now, I find myself faced with a multitude of catalysts.
As though there was a global catalyst convention somewhere around the vicinity.
Each bringing their unique manner to infuse similar messages to me,
“Time for Change!”
“ Change!”
“ Change!”
“ Change!”

Pondering on the topic of catalysts once more, like a double edge sword, they are both good and bad depending how you perceive it.
They will bring tough lessons which makes it hard to digest
And though we want to regurgitate it out, it will be beneficial to us in the end as the lessons we learn are priceless and it readies us for better things to come; grueling at times as it may seem.

In retrospect,
I need to change and address my issues.

Time to drop the drawbridge and let the emotional side of me explore the kaleidoscope of emotions and ascertain the essential lessons each and every experience offers.
Time to address my fears and insecurities.
Time to heal and recover.
Time for self rediscovery.

Time to start digging up my mental crypt and expose it to some sunlight.
Ouch! This is gonna hurt! ;D

Fragile....

Life is soo fragile.
Just got to know that a friend has suddenly passed away.
Sudden because not so long ago, a group of us had lunch and
he was filled with vitality.

Today I learned that he went for a holiday and contracted some deadly bacteria and passed away a week later.

I sit here feeling numb as I reflect upon life in general.
Here today, gone the next.
Somehow whatever my troubles and bickerings seem so trivial.

This friend leaves behind a family.
My heart felt condolence to them.
I cannot imagine the turmoil the family is going through.
While I can relate to this because of my granmother's passing last 2 years,
I am unable to comprehend the suddeness of this passing; especially for his family.
For me, I had the opportunity to tell grandma that I love her, talk to grandma, make her happy during her remaining days, to prepare and ready myself.

This sudden passing offers his family and loved ones no opportunity to express any last messages.
So much would have left unsaid, and the agony is to carry that through the rest of one's life.
How agonizing.

Feeling powerless... I can only offer my condolences to his wife, kid and family. :(
Rest in peace my friend.
Will pray for your family.

RUSH!

Faster and faster,
I am the speed master,
Pulsating winks of light beats ever so rapidly till
Ribbons of light streams long before and after
Smudged images blurs on hastily as it engulfs my peripheral vision
Speed readings slides past the 200 mark.
Stay focused!
I need speed!

Corners swiftly sweep on by as traction glues me to the tarmac like I am on rails.
Bystanders cheer on, as I dive in and out of bends with utmost authority.
No time to waste,
No time to admire the scenic backgrounds blurring past,
No time to pick up hitch hikers,
No time for passengers.
I need to get to my next destination.. yesterday.

Depending on my fancy,
I focused on singular pursuits at a time,
driving and accelerating my depth excessively.
Like an addict who pursues the next high,
I increasingly relished the burst of vigor and dynamism each subsequent pursuit injects.
I can hardly contain my patience to get that fix.
I needed more and more, much more than before.

Now the pursuit has transported me to a plateau where
repeated rushing to my desired destinations has lost its significance and appeal,
The associated thrills and vigor which once gratified my insatiable desire for rushed achievements seems to dwindle and become common place.
I have arrived…

Arrived at a point where I exhibit nonchalant mannerism towards my invariable need to reach the next ledge.
Pondering upon my hurried journeys in retrospect,
I recall my own vindication on being excessively focused on rushing from one pursuit to another.
Equilibrium was a foreign philosophy to me.
Pursuits and speedy outcomes was my focus and that I managed well.

Currently standing on this plateau, I soak up the moment and take a deep breath.
The view of the sunset dimming and diffusing into twilight seems to evoke a sense of appreciation for such beauty within.
Deep breathes of clean crisp air invigorates my soul as gentle breeze caresses my skin.

As I now recall, I realize that the bystander’s cheers were not of encouragement but one which cautions me to slow down.
Take it slow!
Enjoy your surroundings!
Live the moment!
Nurture your patience!
Don’t rush!

Fortunately, it is not too late to retract my neglect;
My neglect for the things/people/situations/myself which I have taken for granted.
It is cliché but true
that the enjoyment lies not in the destination but within the journey itself.

And so the rushed journey ends
as the nurturing journey begins
Directing itself towards the notion of equilibrium.
Equilibrium in the things I want to achieve,
Equilibrium in the relationships I develop and
Equilibrium for my remaining years ahead.

Where am I headed?
Over here, over there, could be anywhere
So long as the journey allows me to savor the moment and live the now.

No more rushing about……

Pattern Shifts

Last night, I had insightful discussion with a very close friend; one whom I call my spiritual sibling. Don’t ask me why or how come? It just feels right as he is one of those very few whom I have no qualms expressing my inner thoughts to. And time and time again, he has broaden my perspectives.

The topic of discussion was on how we as human beings function through a series of patterns. How we eat, how we wear stuff, thought process, things we choose to do…. The crux of the discussion was in reference to the dissatisfaction, unhappiness, frustrations, depressions, one feels at a particular point in time. And the reason one would feel that way is attributed to the patterns in which they live by. Usually when a person already feels the negative emotions of his/her life, it’s probably too late to mitigate the situation.

The remedy as he so wisely pointed out is to shift living patterns to negate negative emotions; its what he describes it as pattern shift. While the privilege few may have been exempted from such a situation, the rest of us would have gone through this in one way or another.

This thought really propels those electrical charges within my brain. Reason being is that while I was looking fine on the outside, I was in a slight melancholic state inside. Thankfully, I am changing my living patterns and in the midst of transitioning into another phase in my life. It feels good; for now.

And so I will leave you dear readers with this thought, for the men and the women who feels trapped within the clutches and confines of your life or a part thereof. Trace your patterns. Trace your patterns to the happy trails which casts the warm sunlight against your face, where flowers bloom and breathless sights endlessly encapsulates your peripheral vision, and stay there. You belong there. And for those patterns which casts a tall dark shadow over your world, fills your heart with yearnings which supresses your fiery passion filled spirit from the days of your innocent past, I say exchange it. Exchange it for one which sparks and fans flames of passion within and nurtures your field of dreams and wait for it to bloom.

Bloom, Baby, Bloom!

Catalysts

We have all have encountered them one point or another.
We all have experienced them
Their warmth and love,
Their wrath and fury,
Their guidance and insights,
Their awareness and realizations.
But no matter how and where they appear,
They are constantly bounded by a mutual bond.
They provide opportunities for us to learn and grow, however
Without an ounce of consideration, they blatantly juggernaut though our feelings
Leaving us in a kaleidoscope of irrepressible emotions.

What am I insinuating about?
Some call them angels,
Some curse them as devils
Some refer to them as life guides,
Others call them “Quai Yan” (or Worthy People)
I call them Catalysts!
Catalysts who invokes tender emotions within

Catalysts appear in many various ways.
Some appear just to teach us a lesson; though there will be many of them
from a multitude of occasions;
Like a shooting star, they blaze across our serene skies for that one moment
Burning our passions
Igniting our furies
Char our spirits and often
Breaking our hearts
Only to fade away into the farthest of sights, never to be seen ever again.

Some visit to teach multiple lessons
They stick around for sometime coaching you on multiple faceted lessons which you need to address.
They will return time and time again,
Bringing unique lessons for us to infuse into our consciousness,
occasionally reiterating refresher courses in commemoration of our inability to reminisce those priceless moments.
Indeed, we need those on occasion.

Some stay loyal for our cause, for the lifetime
Guiding us through our hardships,
Supporting us and comforting is in times of confusion, disorder and chaos
These catalysts are blessings which perhaps from a past life you have accumulated enough life credits to exchange for such true lasting friendships.

Throughout our lives, there will be catalysts arriving and departing.
We tend to recollect the ones who impacts/hurts us the most, and
take for granted those who stand steadfast with and for us,
against the seemingly endless hordes and waves of emotional mayhem colliding against our walls of logical intuition.
And I am no exception to that.
I have had my fair share of catalysts in my life; good and bad.
Some have been tremendously kind in their lessons to me and
whilst others have been brutal.
These ones are ingrained within my mental crypt, I pray will not surface,
for the slight hint travelling back into this chasm sends deep chills into the tenderness of my inner santuary.

Thankfully, there are the steadfast who still safeguards me when I am weak and in total turmoil.

To the catalytic shooting stars who burst across my path leaving a trail of unwelcomed lessons, shattered hopes and endless afflictions, CURSE YOU! I hope that I shall never see you ever again.

To the visitors who catalyse my passion and tutor me along my dynamic and dramatic journey.
Thank you! You are always welcomed into my humble abode.

And to those who are still within my realm, constantly shouldering my ignorance, vulnerabilities and insecurities. Thank you! You have my utmost loyalty and support. I too will stand steadfast with you and for you in your moment of need.

Detoxification

Let’s talk Detox,

This term commonly refers to the removal of toxic substances from the body. As you initiate this process, the body goes into shock and you will get adverse effects.
Effects that makes you wage battle in which the mind tries to outwit the physical body, and the body reciprocates with shock signals firing and retaliating at the mind’s will. That is what detoxification does to you.

What if we need to detox a love which was once an abundant resource like air we breathe, but is now rotting, intoxicating and violating us with an overwhelming and endless feeling of emptiness like the abyss of space. If physical detox was a battle between the mind versus the body,
Emotional detox is a battle within the mind.

Oh how can we escape the clutches of our own mind. Every reflection, every idle moment, every sight seems to depict the sorrowful chapter over and over and over…. Someone please shut that damn repeat button off!!! Laying down like a fetal, craving for the warm that isn’t there… desperate for a quick fix.

We muster whatever remains of our strength and courage for a desperate attempt to crawl out of this dark abyss… only to be defeated by sounds of inevitability, our inevitable need to hang on…Sigh! Futile, absolutely futile…

However, as any story goes, there is a silverlining to be discovered, depending on how you perceive it… Precisely, how you perceive it…..
With help, persistence and a string of steadfast and relentless confidants, you will soon awake from this drunkenness, with the realization of what seems to be a different perspective. Good, bad, optimistic, pessimistic, constructive, destructive, the path lies before our eyes and our minds.

And so the journey concludes yet another turbulent chapter in my life. It may be the first,but it certainly won’t be the last. The key element which separates each turbulent situation we come eye to eye with is how we perceive and adopt each and every wisdom treasure we benefitted from past experiences. Yes, I have gained perspective.

Perspective which drives determination, Perspectives which harnesses discipline, Perspectives to allow another to gently thread into the delicate domains of the heart. Indeed, Perspectives drive change ….. and this change is our own mental way of detoxification.