The Complexity which is Me

Had an interesting conversation tonite.
What was supposed to be a get to know each other session
Turned out to be a revelation of my subconscious self.

As the conversation went,
Thoughts of my subconscious flooded over to my consciousness.
And as I sit and ponder those thoughts,
I came to realization that the reason that I am unable to be fully understood,
Was not the fact that I didnt let anyone near my dreaded fears;
nor was it others have not tried hard enough to understand me.

The REAL reason of my solitude was....
the inner complexities within me which makes others hard to comprehend and digest.
This leads to my solitude,
And as I curse the world for not being able to understand me,
It was me who is far to complex too be understood.
And though I try to mask this by reiterating the notion of simplicity within me,
I have come to realise is I AM FAR TOO COMPLEX A PERSON TO BE UNDERSTOOD to begin with....

Took me this long to realise this.

Others are unable to relate, thats a fact,
And I pray that one eventually will.
Till then, I will try my very best to untangle myself from this complexity which
I have weaved and knotted myself in.

That time of the year again....

Yes, its that time again for me...
The annual affair where I celebrate the beginings of my existence
Yes, Its my birthday!

Happy Birthday to me!

Conventionally I always kept my birthday to myself.
Well, its not anything anti social. Just that I treat it as a "Me" day.
A day where I just do what I wanted to do without anyone influencing me.
And despite popular believe, I am pretty introverted to some sense.
I dont share my past and feelings much with others.
Only a select few have that access.

But with the recent changes / transformation I faced the past few months,
I think that its time for the change.

Guess. for this year.. I will open up a lil.
So, here goes, 11 things few know about me (until now):

1. I bungie jumped and loved it. (Took 2 days to wipe that smirk off my face!)
   
2. I broke my right arm when I was 7 yrs old. (Was trying to impress a girl while swinging on monkey bars at the playground)
3. I was bitten by my neighbor's female dog on my face when I was 8 yrs old. (People tease me that my first kiss was from a bitch!)
4. I love to jog (helps me focus on my thoughts)
5. I once lost a dare and ate the most disgusting thing to date... Balut (Duck Embrios), from the Philipines. Yucks! (Its like 10 times the taste of roasted Duck Butt!, Don't ask about the Duck Butt...)
   
6. Standing beside animals(especially fish) bigger than me freaks me out. (I freaked out standing beside a giant Garupa once and it still freaks me out! :S )
7. My first pet was a mongrel I rescued from the drain behind my house. (To date, I still think Browny was my best pet eva!)
8. My record of over stuffing myself was 16 slices of pizzas and 7 pepsis. (Hey, it was a dare and Pizza Hut was having all-you-can-eat-and-drink). Second was 6 Wan Tan Noodles + 3 drinks + 1 extra bowl of Wan Tan. Third was 16 scoopes of Hagen Daaz Ice Cream (Yes, it was an all-you-can-eat affair)
9. I am a sucker for Sci Fi movies (even the Z grade stuff)
10. I am a sucker for Paddle Pop Rainbow Ice Cream. (Makes me feel like a kid all over again. :P
11. I fancy things which are Green. (Subconsciously, I have a tendency to choose green for the things I like).
    

There. Hope this is a good start to more good changes to come!!!

Cheers!

~Lens~

Winds of change

The time has dawn down on me once again...
inevitably forcing me to change.
Things around me are no longer the same,
yet my inherent nature wants to remain the same,
But my inner thoughts dictates that if I don't (change),
it will lead me to my peril.

The signs are already showing.....
Seems that I have fallen off my previous path which drive me.....
Oh so desperately I run to climb back on....













Still running...
Still panting...
Gasping for air...
My legs burning....
Heart throbbing...
Losing focus...

The darker part of me tells me to just forget it....
"You lost your groove.....aint gonna get it back"

Yet another stands steadfast encouraging me,
"Persistence will bring its rewards..... Soldier on...."

Each day that voice carries me through another....
Cradling me when stumble...
Nursing me when I bleed...
Pushing me when I get fatigue....
I am praying that it will not stop

... till I get my groove back....

I am soo blessed!!!

I realise that I am.....

...not the most easy person to live with,
...bottle up,
...show my temper in silence,
...get disengaged when things dont go my way,
...impatient,
...stubborn.

But I am blessed with those around me
who put up with my imperfections,
and I have alot to be thankful for.

For that, I would like to thank all of the one(s) who,
...helps me constantly regardless of my situation,
...puts up with my temper,
...is supremely patient with me,
...lends a listening ear when I am ranting,
...guides me when I am lost,
...accompanies me when I am lost,
...pushes me when I get complacent,
...motivates me when I get lazy,
...inspires me when I drift aimlessly,
...helps me see above and beyond my peripheral vision,
...nurses me when I am sick,
...provides for me when empty,
...makes me whole when parts of me are missing.

I THANK ALL OF YOU for being there when I needed you most.

Most of all I thank GOD for rounding these outstanding individuals to aide me.

Bless you all.

My Journey's End

I know not what destination this path is leading me
I know not what characters I will be meeting
I do pray that I am able to see the destination of which its
trials and tribulations has obstructed my enjoyment of the journey.

Though they say that the destination matters not,
Tis the journey that matters,
At this current moment,
I beg to differ as
the destination will make the hardships and tribulations easier to endure.

This path is a full of characters, though
the journey seems filled with acquaintances which are distant.
Perhaps tis within I shall have to look and understand
Before my self expectations are imposed on to others,
for at times I fail to even understand what drives me to behave the way I do.

For that I do seek help,
to reconcile and understand my internal turmoils,
to focus on things which matters to me,
to lead myself towards the journey I desire,
So I may live free and meaningful.

For this I pray this understanding shall be granted to me,
So I may enjoy a fruitful journey towards my destination.
And through this journey, I seek to find the companions and partners
Which will forever enrich my life till my journey's end.

Still water runs deep...

Frustrations plunders my inner sanctuary,

Yet I do not allow the shattering depths of myself to surface.

Tranquility and Turmoil sharing my inner real estate.

It seems the walls which bounded me remains erected,

Imprisoning me from my desired freedom.

Chains which I once broke free from,

Are once again shackled at my ankles.

When will I be able to break free.

Am I able to break free?

In all the inner commotion,

All is calm on the surface.

Landscape remains flat with no notion of emotion.

Faceless expression shows no form of depression,

Yet there is a sense of dread which is under.

How will I break free?

When will I break free?

That is what remains unanswered.

Till the end I will know,

The true form of freedom will show.

Tis that time I can truely be free.

From my inner sanctuary.

The Road Ahead...

Hmm.. seems that the only time I write is
when I face uncertainties and challenges
Its that time again when I have to pen my thoughts.
I am again facing uncertainties,
Seems that I have fallen out of a relationship.
Just counldn't work it out and expectations on both ends didn't match.
Distance from my end was growing.
Things which I should have spoken, I didn't.
Guess that part of me still needs some work.
[note to self, need to improve on personal communication to others]

And to be fair she tried,
just that I kept her guessing me for far too long.
But the thing which broke it was her trip....
or shall I say trips.
Those decisions made didn't involve me,
and I felt it should have.
Afterall, we were in a relationship
and any decisions made had to take to the other into account.
And that didn't happen.

We were on different paths.
And for one brief period,
we were on parallel tracks.
And now those tracks are parting.
I guess its for the better.
And the decision was at least quick and clear.

Though there some sadness in me,
I am managing it.
And I am grateful [to God] to be given this experience.
Wouldn't change a thing if I had to redo any of it,
for I know HE has planned this for me to learn and grow.
Preparing me for my next relationship.
(Thank YOU Lord for this experience,
I know YOU are always looking out for my interest)

Now I continue my journey...
Hopefully the next experience,
I am able to embrace some constant in my relationship.
....

Careful what you wish for....

I once wished for things which I long to attain
I once wished for things which I thought will make things better
I once wished for things which I imagined would take me to greater heights..
And for once, it came true.

And while I was happy
I was blinded to the fact that
For every wish,
For every benefit,
For every light,
There is balance.
And the balance offsets the benefits.
As the saying goes.. it cuts both ways.

And as I assess it....
Either way, I would have to face up the downside of my granted wish.
How do I cope?
... turn a blind eye and assume things will turn out better?
Fraid not...

Now I am at a junction.....
... to stay or to let go....
such are the challenges of wishes...
Keep wishing.. and face up to the challenge of longing for it..... or
Receive the wish and take up the new challenges it brings...
cuts both ways..... :(

Tabula rasa

Tabula rasa refers to the epistemological thesis that individuals are born without built-in mental content and that their knowledge comes from experience and sensory perception.

For me, most interactions I have with others seem so.
I frequently find myself in a tabula rasa state with others.
Maybe its the defensive mechanism built upon me
subsequent the lessons I learned
from the multitude of past relationships
which enables me to move on and start a new.

There it seems I am most comfortable,
There it seems I find serenity,
My abode from all that defines the harshness of my reality.
Here I am able to gather my monologues
which seems to be devoid of emotions and
bountiful of logic and experience.

And that very logic and experience depicts that
I am only present where I am needed...
I will be present to those who need me
And once my tasks are completed and no longer needed,
I will once again set of upon another journey to which
will lead me to one who needs my presence.
in and out and all about..
Explains my melancholic demeanor.

Hard as I try to break free,
I find that every confine which I escape
leads me to another.
Still trying to find the absolute way out.
I pray that HE will lead me out of this.

"Lord, grant me safe passage out of the confines
which entraps me.
Lead me out of this repetitive blank slate which
restricts me,
Free me from all that binds me,
for I want to fill the blank slate and make it stay.
Amen"

A new day, a new challenge.....

Standing atop the ledge,
A lone voice shouts triumphant!
A sense of achievement encapsulates the moment and
A burden lifted

... or so it seems.
Now what has transpired
is the sense of insecurity
and another ledge has come forth

Stay, be contented and accept what lies before oneself
Or strive towards the ledge which has come forth.
Its effortless to stay,
But strenuous to go.....

Such are my monologues
However there are other elements which
makes this composite ever so confusing...
Stay and strive on the current, or
Move on and strive on another heading, or
Stay and wallow in the depths of oneself.

Thats a decision which now I have to commit to.
Definitely, the latter is not my preferred option,
For the preference is the former two.
I am really at a split on the two.
And I havent derived the answer.

Seems that HE is testing me yet again.
And the lessons are still coming as with the hurdles.
Yet I know not which path to undertake.
I pray that whilst HE is testing me,
HE will also provide guidance which
will give me clarity.

For this I pray that HE will grant me guidance in this.....

Rest if you must, but dont you not quit on us.....

Ahhh..... tis time I grace the pages of my musings once again,
Have been taking a breather from the creative side of my introspective self.
OK, so its a long breather.. but a good one.

For one brief moment, I had the perspective that the ledge I have been looking for
has been attained. "I am at my plateau"... the ledge which I so desperately wanted to find. For a while it seems like that too...

But as all good thing must come to an end, so has this.
I am beginning to sense what is yet an inevitable shift in my stable abode.
I should know as I have walked the path of many cycles, stumbling, tumbling and crashing.

Sensing "rain" approaching, I once again have to prepare change.
I have to set my sights on the next ledge in which I have to scale.
Seems that it is inevitable to escape my mountain goat nature.
Seems that I have yet another ledge to find and to climb
For the stable grounds which I have nested so far,
is set to crumble like a house of cards.

All the introspective monologues have resurfaced,
and started murmuring...
From silent whispers like the cool breeze sweeping across the meadow,
I now feel the vocal waves of chatter and clatter within....
"Rest if you must, but don't you quit on us!"
Indeed, I have rested, its time to journey on...
On to the next ledge which promises nothing but the present moment itself.

If anything at all my journeys has taught me one thing,
appreciate the present for the present it has presented to me.
For it has given me the opportunity to experience.
Whatever happens next is the next experience which I should appreciate,
be it good or bad. Think I am prepared. I better be....
for the experiences I have accumulate so far
has led me to this ledge which in turn will lead me to another....

Sounds confusing... try being with my inner self... ;P

2008

Been a while since I penned down anything,
For some its a good sign,
As those who frequent my musings know,
most of my writings are about turbulent circumstances.

Since my last entry,
circumstances have been kind.
Have been blessed with opportunities
to test my lessons and my ability to
accommodate and navigate through these forth comings.
Indeed, I have grown tremendously this year.

I am truly blessed and thankful for all
which is provided to me,
regardless the sentiments which it inflicts.

As the year completes its final cycle,
I am grateful for all it has taught me.
I feel more composed and more controlled.

Merci beaucoup to all which played a part in my growth.
And a fond Adieu to 2008.
This is truly the year which I am become an adult.
A part of me has gone in passing,
Whilst another has risen in its place.

So whats in store for 2009?
More lessons no doubt.
However, I feel more ready to confront these unknown forth comings.
And I shall face them with vigour.

Cheers!

Irony after irony

It seems that irony has a sense of cruelty
in that it hands you victory only to
slap you with defeat though the very victory it granted.

Indeed, many fall victim to this
and you cannot do anything about it.
And while futility looms above,
I pray that GOD will intervene
and grant me the ability to overcome irony's antics.

7s

In a startling revelation.....
Hows that for a dramatic begining? ;)
I inched closer on my understanding on
my serendipitous encounters with 7s.

Well, its all theoratical at the moment but.....
Do you know that....
My Birthday Day and Month forms the number 7 in binary?

And here is a depiction of what a person of number 7 would be....

-------------------------------------
Significance Of Number 7
You set high standards, achieve them yourself and expect others to follow them. You have a keen analytical approach in whatever you do. You think first and act according to the decision arrived at. In any case, you are not an individual of rash action. You have a quick grasp of matters and you love fast decisions. You are a perfectionist of the first order. You can not tolerate the habit of messing up things and wish to have everything in apple-pie order.

You maintain good connections with people, but you watch each of their reactions in a guarded manner. You are very quick to sort out insincere people and you strictly avoid them. Your friend’s circle is limited but you know the art of maintaining friendship. A fresher will find it difficult to enter your heart, unless you are sure about the real intentions of such an individual. Your ready wit is your asset. Others are attracted by this quality. You are not an introvert, but at the same time, you have exclusiveness about you. You mix freely with the people, and yet maintain your essential dignity. It takes time for you to develop friendships but you do believe in long term relationships. You don't like associations like clubs or groups of similar nature.

Many ways of the modern life don't interest you. You find them to be a waste of time and money. You have your dreams and do require some time to be alone. You think continuously on one issue or the other and deeply involve in finding solutions for them. You hate crowds and confusion. A corner seat in the park interests you more than a group discussing politics or engaged in devotional songs. You like spirituality of a different type.

You are wiling to acquire knowledge from any source. You make a careful analysis of the subject, before accepting any findings. Majority views, unless they are correct according to you, have no value for you. You believe in making others follow you, not following others. But, you don't like blind following either. You first convince the people and expect that their accepting your views must be a voluntary action. There is absolutely no compulsion in your dealings. You are wiling to learn from an ordinary, humble and uneducated worker as well as from a brilliant thinker and philosopher.

As a spiritual person, you are very special. You give absolute loyalty to the person, institution to which you belong. You have fixed views and you can not change. This does not mean that you are rigid, but your disposition sometimes, gives that impression. You are always willing to listen to the views of others, and do not expect them to follow your views blindly.

You value experience more, than empty advice from others. You love the “College of Self-Education,” than mere bookish knowledge.
==================================

That sums me up doncha think? ;p
Just something interesting.

Expressions

After visiting,
I am often asked by them,
Why the sudden solemness in the topics
Which I write for the past few months?

The topics of choice concerning
abysses,
inevitability,
eternal conflicts,
resistance
seems to form elements of a barren darkness
which is seldom seen on my daily expressions.

Well, thanks for all the concerns.
But I assure you that I am alright.
Its just the melancholic side of me expressing itself.
Its my way of expressing my
frustrations,
anger,
sadness,
disappointments
on things within and around me.

This is who I am.

This is my channel for exit on all the negativity.
And I choose to do it in solemness.
And there are many ways,
Just that I am committed to this one,
and it is working ok for me.
And in some twisted amalgamated concoction,
it helps me think and chart out a path for solution.

Search meticulously and deeply within yourselves,
You will have in one way or another experience
the sort of things I have previously written about.
And in intricate revelations, you will find that
you too will have your own expression for such negative matter.
And some will choose to verbally express it,
Some emotionally,
Some physically,
Some a combination of the above.
Make mine mental.

And for me,
As I release the negativities thru my musings
And subsequently, descriptively penned down in my incognito writings,
I feel liberated from the burdens of
troublesome thoughts
infelicitous incidences and
haphazard happenings.
Well,... sometimes running alone helps too...
As Murakami-san so rightly puts it.
(Gives me the mental solumeness to think).

Hence, I am good amidst these turbulent times.
Thanks for all the concerns.
(You all know who you are)
I appreciate it.

Before I pen off,
Just a fleeting thought,
The next time you read
a posting depicting the twilight of my turbulent surroundings,
Just remember, this balances the lighter side which the majority sees.

................Welcome to my musings...... :)

Murakami

I stumbled on Murakami's work by accident. Surfing the web, bored and unamused, I landed myself upon a site depicting 10 books you must read for this decade. And out of the 10, 1 caught my attention. Like a calling from the internet abyss, I was subtly drawn closer to the link...., "Click me.. Click me...." it whispered... sheepishly obedient I did, and in hindsight, I am glad that he did not disappoint.

That was a month ago, and currently, I am digesting a second of his literature. Indeed, Murakami is a great writer. His style of artistic compositions tells literature of cats, jazz bars, relationships, sheeps and life in Japan. And he tells it as it comes to him.... raw, mysterious and at time edgy. My interest in his work is ever growing (the above is his latest, the second book of his I am reading... a story of different sort, rather Murakami's imagination, this inks his reflections when running).

My curiousity in literature has never crossed the borders of business writing. My staple literature diet consists of marketing, business strategies, leadership and other business related writings. Ofcourse there are the occassional lifestlyle articles which seeks to help you understand yourself better for the gazzilion-th time.... or how to scan, disect and analyse your relationships intricately with such precision as relationship surgeon can... just by answering 10 multi choice recycled questions. But I have yet to venture on literature of this nature.....

Admittedly, my interest in Murakami's writing is encouraging. The book above is his latest, and my second book by him. The moment I read the initial pages, I am hooked. Though not his usual writing, this books exclusively invites us to have a partial glimpse of his life and also his passion (besides writing ofcourse). This book depicts his passion to particiate in marathons and triathlons; and more inportantly, his thoughts while running. And it is here I had one of those epiphanic moments..... his foreword reads "Pain is inevitable,..... Suffering is optional". And its this very thought that is left lingering in my mind.... playing over and over like a record repeating itself. Though Murakami puts it into the context of running, I sense a deeper perspective which hints towards a life philosophy. Maybe its unintentional or maybe it is.. but when I read it, it struck accord with my thoughts... and its so true.

Though pain is not an option for all of us.. suffering is inflicted and in most cases relates to our unwillingness of letting go. How coincidential that what I have been expressing and writing about revolves around that.

Indeed, Murakami's books are a good read. Cannot wait to finish this one and start another.

The end was only the begining...

Round and round it goes,
when will it stop nobody knows,
The begining? The end?
Unable to fend...
I am spiralling into an abyss of enternal void....

Decisions made was unmade;
Firm ground buckles in;
Like water to paper bridges,
I am tumbling again from a once sure footing,

Where do I even begin to verbally illustrate
the visual perspectives and emotional sensations
which interprets my reality.
When will this end?

Unable to comprehend?
That is but a glimpse of the incomprehensible fickleness endured.

An end was made for the wrong reason;
For it was persued with the wrong intent.
And that is why the inevitable acceptance had to be reversed.
And that was the crux of my revalation
as divine interventions circumvented my conciousness.

I am back at where I began...
pondering if there is ever an end to this...
I have yet an answer but
My fleeting thought is this....

"Every end leads to a begining, and
Every begining there is an end.....
my question is which is which and
when will it end...."

Inevitable acceptance

I, for one seldom gives up on something which I truly want or desire;
Preferring to thrive within the toughest of times;
in the most desolate enviroments to get the wants and desires;
Hanging in there with that one glimmer of hope,
that endurance and patience will somehow
trounce and vanquish these thriving cycles.

I believed that wants and desires is rewarded
to those who posseses the
the longest of stamina;
the highest of determination; and
the abundance of patience.

But there comes a time where even an
unyielding and obstinate person such
as myself need accept the detested and despised path laid before me....
and it is showing me what has been revealed before;
And though I persisted, resisted and objected it,
I now find fragments of myself left trailing behind me.

There is no more energy to thrive,
No more endurance,
No more determination,
No more stamina.
All is left is a sense of depletion.....

Speechless and boggled
I have no answer but one choice...
to relief my efforts and
to accept the inevitable
...to relingquish something which
I had hoped, seeked and wanted for soo soo long.

Curves

Curves.
Sister to the more rigid uncurled linear line.
Curves makes an interesting sight.
Some raises my eye brow as do the beatings of my heart, much like the ones above,
Others can be found on exotic automobiles which
exists in the dreams of many and a reality of the few.
In most cases, curves make more interesting sights than its linear sibling.

That being verbalised,
I have to throw some caution to the air,
for taken to the extreme,
curves can be a visual displeasure,
or worse,
it can cast you into an abyss where it makes the cruelest of mentors.

For me, some curves are inching towards the extreme end.
No, I am not insinuating to any visual displeasure of my physical state,
though age does seem to compound the pounds around the abdominal region.

The curve which I am trying to insinuate to makes close ties to
deep waters,
harsh mentors, and
a cascade of never ending enduring lessons and tests
which hurls ripples of strong current waves towards my private life.
Indeed, the learning curves which I am launched into
the past few months have been distractingly provocative,
even my most zealous demeanor is often striving to stay afloat amidst
the inflow of lessons and tests coming my way.

At times, it feels as though before one lesson is over,
another is starting.
And before those two lessons are over,
I feel that I am in the midst of a test.
What an unnerving feeling.

But I am still threading in this ocean
just barely enough to stay afloat.
And while in that moment, I am slowly trying to
reconstruct the jigsaw pieces together,
Trying my utmost to decipher this certification
to which this sea of lessons I am entangled in.

Currently, I haven't the faintest idea
of what I am suppose to ultimately learn and
what skills I am suppose to acquire.
All I comprehend is that I have to go through all the lessons
before I can graduate and proceed.
Still don't know what lesson number I am at and
how many more to go.
And there doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

To forge this into perspective,
the lessons I am entrusted to complete stretches my endurance,
the tests I go through thrusts my prowess to the brink of my capabilities,
the learning curve I unknowingly commit myself into swings me
through bends at a moment's notice; forcing me to act dynamically in a fickle manner.
I am feeling so fatigued....

....I wish I had the box of the jigsaw which
depicts the finished composition;
makes easier digestion of the lessons,
tests and learning curves I have to muster.

While I do appreciate curves for all its beauty and splendor,
I do dread the ones I experiencing.
And as I experience and participate in more curvaceous activities,
I do hope that sometime in the near foreseeable future,
the coming activities will revolve around the right kind of curves,
ones which raises my eye brow and the beatings of my heart. ;)

Integrity

It is unusual for me to pen down political issues,
However, due to some current issues which has arisen in my country,
I will make the exception.
My motivation and rationalisation to vocalize this is not based on politics,
It deals with personal principles which one stands by;
Which in my view for this case is exemplary.

To succinctly put things into perspective,
Our country's de facto Law Minister (Datuk Zaid Ibrahim) resigned his post,
Due to the fact that the execution and application of my country's constitution
has been mis-interpreted and abused by current ministers of the cabinet.

While I will refrain from making comments on what has happened,
the key point to be made here is the fact that
ZI stood by his principles and left his post
citing that he could not make a difference
in catalyzing the much needed transformation in the country's judiciary system.
He rather quit than being associated with a group
who are against his integrity and personal principles.

This in my perspective is something to be respected.
Not only has he risen to the occasion,
he was able to attain perspectives with such clarity.
The clarity to differentiate issues,
what is right and needs be done.

Often we (which includes me) are faced with similar issues and
the question we need to ask ourselves is
"Given a similar circumstance, are we able to rise above the clutter,
and achieve the altitude to see a clearer perspective,
and in doing so, uphold our integrity regardless?"

I hope so....

Hence, to Zaid Ibrahim,
you have my utmost respect.
Your current actions stands as a benchmark for us all.