Inevitable acceptance

I, for one seldom gives up on something which I truly want or desire;
Preferring to thrive within the toughest of times;
in the most desolate enviroments to get the wants and desires;
Hanging in there with that one glimmer of hope,
that endurance and patience will somehow
trounce and vanquish these thriving cycles.

I believed that wants and desires is rewarded
to those who posseses the
the longest of stamina;
the highest of determination; and
the abundance of patience.

But there comes a time where even an
unyielding and obstinate person such
as myself need accept the detested and despised path laid before me....
and it is showing me what has been revealed before;
And though I persisted, resisted and objected it,
I now find fragments of myself left trailing behind me.

There is no more energy to thrive,
No more endurance,
No more determination,
No more stamina.
All is left is a sense of depletion.....

Speechless and boggled
I have no answer but one choice...
to relief my efforts and
to accept the inevitable
...to relingquish something which
I had hoped, seeked and wanted for soo soo long.

Curves

Curves.
Sister to the more rigid uncurled linear line.
Curves makes an interesting sight.
Some raises my eye brow as do the beatings of my heart, much like the ones above,
Others can be found on exotic automobiles which
exists in the dreams of many and a reality of the few.
In most cases, curves make more interesting sights than its linear sibling.

That being verbalised,
I have to throw some caution to the air,
for taken to the extreme,
curves can be a visual displeasure,
or worse,
it can cast you into an abyss where it makes the cruelest of mentors.

For me, some curves are inching towards the extreme end.
No, I am not insinuating to any visual displeasure of my physical state,
though age does seem to compound the pounds around the abdominal region.

The curve which I am trying to insinuate to makes close ties to
deep waters,
harsh mentors, and
a cascade of never ending enduring lessons and tests
which hurls ripples of strong current waves towards my private life.
Indeed, the learning curves which I am launched into
the past few months have been distractingly provocative,
even my most zealous demeanor is often striving to stay afloat amidst
the inflow of lessons and tests coming my way.

At times, it feels as though before one lesson is over,
another is starting.
And before those two lessons are over,
I feel that I am in the midst of a test.
What an unnerving feeling.

But I am still threading in this ocean
just barely enough to stay afloat.
And while in that moment, I am slowly trying to
reconstruct the jigsaw pieces together,
Trying my utmost to decipher this certification
to which this sea of lessons I am entangled in.

Currently, I haven't the faintest idea
of what I am suppose to ultimately learn and
what skills I am suppose to acquire.
All I comprehend is that I have to go through all the lessons
before I can graduate and proceed.
Still don't know what lesson number I am at and
how many more to go.
And there doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

To forge this into perspective,
the lessons I am entrusted to complete stretches my endurance,
the tests I go through thrusts my prowess to the brink of my capabilities,
the learning curve I unknowingly commit myself into swings me
through bends at a moment's notice; forcing me to act dynamically in a fickle manner.
I am feeling so fatigued....

....I wish I had the box of the jigsaw which
depicts the finished composition;
makes easier digestion of the lessons,
tests and learning curves I have to muster.

While I do appreciate curves for all its beauty and splendor,
I do dread the ones I experiencing.
And as I experience and participate in more curvaceous activities,
I do hope that sometime in the near foreseeable future,
the coming activities will revolve around the right kind of curves,
ones which raises my eye brow and the beatings of my heart. ;)

Integrity

It is unusual for me to pen down political issues,
However, due to some current issues which has arisen in my country,
I will make the exception.
My motivation and rationalisation to vocalize this is not based on politics,
It deals with personal principles which one stands by;
Which in my view for this case is exemplary.

To succinctly put things into perspective,
Our country's de facto Law Minister (Datuk Zaid Ibrahim) resigned his post,
Due to the fact that the execution and application of my country's constitution
has been mis-interpreted and abused by current ministers of the cabinet.

While I will refrain from making comments on what has happened,
the key point to be made here is the fact that
ZI stood by his principles and left his post
citing that he could not make a difference
in catalyzing the much needed transformation in the country's judiciary system.
He rather quit than being associated with a group
who are against his integrity and personal principles.

This in my perspective is something to be respected.
Not only has he risen to the occasion,
he was able to attain perspectives with such clarity.
The clarity to differentiate issues,
what is right and needs be done.

Often we (which includes me) are faced with similar issues and
the question we need to ask ourselves is
"Given a similar circumstance, are we able to rise above the clutter,
and achieve the altitude to see a clearer perspective,
and in doing so, uphold our integrity regardless?"

I hope so....

Hence, to Zaid Ibrahim,
you have my utmost respect.
Your current actions stands as a benchmark for us all.

Facing the sun with shadows behind my back... :P

Someone once told me,
face forward and keep walking towards the sun,
And you will cast all your shadows behind you.

Conventionally, this translates to the notion of
consistently looking at the bright side of any given situation and
not focus on the short comings of which the given situation brings.
At the same time this proverb subtly hints that in any given situation
there is always always a bright side.
Its just a matter of us turning our heads and look at things in a different light, hence "facing the sun".

However, more recently I have an alternate opinion of this proverb
and what "they" don't tell you.
Funny how "they" sugar coat all the airy fairy stuff
and conveniently leave the bitter pits behind for you to savor after.
What they don't tell you is that
The more you face the sun,
The closer you walk towards the sun,
You are bound to get burnt.
Think about it.... how long can you last with all the ultra violet rays
gently bouncing of your supple skin.
Sooner of later something gonna give.

Of late, times have been trying and
during these trying times,
I try to dig up inspirational proverbs to pacify my heavy thoughts...
I embraced the "face the sun" proverb ever so eagerly....
And the more trying times became,
the more I try to become learned on the intricacies of facing the sun.
And what I got was a burnt face.... the harder I try, they darker i become.

So, whilst it may be true that facing the sun brings sunlight to your face...
and that very sunlight burns my face....

So much for the proverb....
Now, will someone pass me some sun block before I get burnt to a crisp...
:p

.... I am so not yet ready

Its been months since I was presented with the opportunity to embarked on this journey to undo the knots of my decadent past.
Though this seem cliche'd but I had to make a decision which would change me for years to come.

"This is your last chance.
After this there is no turning back.
You take the blue pill, the story ends,
you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland,
and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... "

Reflecting back, this was how the conversation would have been....... (By the way, the dialogue is an excerpt from the Matrix. Ya, ya... i know... i am a geek... :) )

So, How am I faring?
Am doing good..
Or so I thought....

Series of opportunities in different facets has been put forth to test me,
And for the better part of it, the internal commotions have been dealt with amicably,

Until the final test...

Matters dealing with the sensitivities of emotions are more composed, though it still remains tender.
I find that that part of me still remains skeptical, suspicious, possessive and some circumstances, silently staking claims on "things" which is not mine to begin with.

At times, my fists are still tightly clenched on imaginary emptiness
which only feeds into my illusionary desire,
and that rots me from within.

..............

I am so not yet ready...
Not ready to receive...
Even more so, not ready to give

I have still alot to learn.

Meantime, I brave on and I pray that opportunities continue to come my way
to test and reassure me on my progress.

And so my journey goes....