Catalysts

We have all have encountered them one point or another.
We all have experienced them
Their warmth and love,
Their wrath and fury,
Their guidance and insights,
Their awareness and realizations.
But no matter how and where they appear,
They are constantly bounded by a mutual bond.
They provide opportunities for us to learn and grow, however
Without an ounce of consideration, they blatantly juggernaut though our feelings
Leaving us in a kaleidoscope of irrepressible emotions.

What am I insinuating about?
Some call them angels,
Some curse them as devils
Some refer to them as life guides,
Others call them “Quai Yan” (or Worthy People)
I call them Catalysts!
Catalysts who invokes tender emotions within

Catalysts appear in many various ways.
Some appear just to teach us a lesson; though there will be many of them
from a multitude of occasions;
Like a shooting star, they blaze across our serene skies for that one moment
Burning our passions
Igniting our furies
Char our spirits and often
Breaking our hearts
Only to fade away into the farthest of sights, never to be seen ever again.

Some visit to teach multiple lessons
They stick around for sometime coaching you on multiple faceted lessons which you need to address.
They will return time and time again,
Bringing unique lessons for us to infuse into our consciousness,
occasionally reiterating refresher courses in commemoration of our inability to reminisce those priceless moments.
Indeed, we need those on occasion.

Some stay loyal for our cause, for the lifetime
Guiding us through our hardships,
Supporting us and comforting is in times of confusion, disorder and chaos
These catalysts are blessings which perhaps from a past life you have accumulated enough life credits to exchange for such true lasting friendships.

Throughout our lives, there will be catalysts arriving and departing.
We tend to recollect the ones who impacts/hurts us the most, and
take for granted those who stand steadfast with and for us,
against the seemingly endless hordes and waves of emotional mayhem colliding against our walls of logical intuition.
And I am no exception to that.
I have had my fair share of catalysts in my life; good and bad.
Some have been tremendously kind in their lessons to me and
whilst others have been brutal.
These ones are ingrained within my mental crypt, I pray will not surface,
for the slight hint travelling back into this chasm sends deep chills into the tenderness of my inner santuary.

Thankfully, there are the steadfast who still safeguards me when I am weak and in total turmoil.

To the catalytic shooting stars who burst across my path leaving a trail of unwelcomed lessons, shattered hopes and endless afflictions, CURSE YOU! I hope that I shall never see you ever again.

To the visitors who catalyse my passion and tutor me along my dynamic and dramatic journey.
Thank you! You are always welcomed into my humble abode.

And to those who are still within my realm, constantly shouldering my ignorance, vulnerabilities and insecurities. Thank you! You have my utmost loyalty and support. I too will stand steadfast with you and for you in your moment of need.

Reflections of my past: Part IV - My Arrival

Waikato University…..
Oh, Hawaii! Nice! Loads of pretty ladies there hula-ing around.
That’s Waikiki University,
Waikato University is in New Zealand…
Oh…. (awkward silence……)



That’s the usual conversation when the name of my university was mentioned.
That’s how obscure my University was, despite it being the No. 1 business school in NZ.
Waikato University, the sanctuary and foundation for my learning.
And Yes, I am proud to be part of that heritage.



I for one would have never contested to the fact that
I could have turned out horribly wrong (I have been there), that
I could not enjoy the privilege of a good education and
could eventually end up seeking refuge from the authorities due to illegitimate exploits from past encounters.

Could have…..

Yet, in an unanticipated and miraculous sequence of circumstances,
I was graced with the opportunity to re-inaugurate myself towards a fresh clean path.
As though someone dispensed me a brand new canvas in replacement for the one already tainted with images and colors from my belligerent past.
Waiting for me to splash, brush, knife and paint new images with the vast array of colors which lay before me.

Those were my musings as I stood waiting for my turn to exit the aircraft,
Soon, those thoughts diminished in substitute of breathtaking and inspiring picturesque images.
Landscapes of vibrant flora and fauna fused with stretches of mountainous perfection paints itself across a panoramic spectacle of crystal clear blue skies.



All these time, my ignorance limited me to assume that images as spectacular as this would make one feel indifferent to those seemingly savored through magazines.
As if my visionary sensation wasn’t rewarding enough,
my body felt rejuvenated as I drew the cool crisp air within me.
Furthering on my disembarkation, I was greeted with consistent “Kia Ora” (General greeting in Maori, meaning "Be Well,Healthy" or Good Health), warm smiles and helpful individuals,
Each accommodating and helping this young ignorant immature adventurer towards his destination.
If this first quaint encounter with NZ is any precursor to the escapades ahead,
Yes! I am excited, eager and energized.

As I recall correctly,
One of my initial unforgettable encounters was an uneasy circumstance given my ethnic background and even more so, my lack of exposure.
Upon arriving at the airport, I was asked by university officials who were there to shuttle me to Waikato, to wait for the next group of students due to arrive in an hour or so.
Hence, I was left to satisfy my own curiosity and keep myself preoccupied till they arrive.
After exploring the airport, I found myself sitting at a common waiting area soaking in and appreciating the NZ ambiance.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted with intimate sounds from the couple sitting on the next bench.
Becoming more passionate with each other, the muffled kisses became more obvious and started to pierce through my thoughts which was then premiering cinematic performances of rainbows, sunshine and cute kid lambs hopping everywhere in the meadows.
Though a bit disturbing, I could not resist succumbing to my curious nature to take a glance.
I saw an averagely well built man passionately kissing a person with luscious long blond hair, which I dare say comes close to those blatantly flaunted in shampoo advertisements.
Wow, love is in the air I thought, as I tried to recommence my thoughts prior.
Just then, the couple stood up and started to proceed to their next destination, either to advance their current activities or to seek a location with less prying eyes and curiosities.
As they walked by, I heard a pair of masculine voices.
I casually looked up so as not to rouse any suspicion and indentified the luscious blond counterpart as a masculine figure….. gosh! He’s a man, the pair were men!
I just witnessed my first gay encounter.

At this point, kindly allow me to pause my recollection as I feel the need to clarify the circumstance in reference above.

Let me make it clear that I have nothing against gay couples, in fact, one of my study teams were a gay couple and I think they are very nice people and they were very good study friends. And their encounter was yet another comedic tale to tell. But that’s for another time.

What culture shock!
I have seen transvestites in Thailand and Malaysia but nothing could have prepared me for intimate gay interactions.
This was different.
I mean, they were men, for crying out loud, and they were kissing passionately… in public!
After settling my ethnic opinions, I left the bench feeling that I have expanded my perspectives and gained some exposure though not in the ideal circumstance.

I then proceeded towards the gathering point, where the rest of my fellow scholars congregated to be transported to Waikiki Hawaii, just kidding :p, to Hamilton, Waikato.
The trip down to Hamilton granted me another 90 minutes of unrivalled scenery and ambiance.
We arrived to the university premises around 8pm,
where the sun’s incandescent rays seems to dwindle and dim into twilight,
where millions of twinkling stars will soon perform across the moon lit ebony sky.



I settled into College Hall, the resident hostel which will play host to all international students during the week long orientation.
After dinner, the few of us sat down to get better acquainted with each other.
Little did I know then that some of them would continue to foster lifelong strong friendships till today, hopefully tomorrow and forever more….

Reflections of my past: Part III

“What now?”
“Get a job and work, I suppose”
That was how my first serious conversation went with Dad when I got my SPM results (similar to GCE “O” levels).

Not the sharpest tool in the shed, I barely scrounged thru when it came to high school studies.
This is mostly due to my illicit activities.

I could hear water gushing in and air bubbling out of Dad’s heart as it sank hearing my monotonous and defeated answer.
Though he tried hard to hide it, I could see the disappointment beyond his eyes.
“Let’s make a deal” Dad bounced back in his last effort to encourage me to make good of my future
“I’ll send to you college for one more year, but you need to promise me you will study hard”
Though the intention was to grant the opportunity to redeem myself from the consistent red markings in my report card,
My perspective was the opportunity to be on parental welfare a year longer to what I thought was an inevitable path given my less than upstanding credentials.
Fantastic! I get to enjoy for a year longer!

As serendipity would have it, I was cast as a misfit into a class where the best and the brightest reside.
And I do mean the best and the brightest;
five of the top ten students within my program were my humble classmates,
Three of them were top five,
And Yes, the top student sat across the classroom from me.

Academic pressure never seemed so authentic
till I scored my first A- for my midterm Economics paper
a feat I was so proud it triggered my instinctive competitive nature to compare it with the rest of the class
Only to be humbled by fact that my A- landed me within the last 10 spots among my classmates.
Distraught and devastated, I gazed into emptiness as my mind crunched and my ego bruised
Feelings of defeat filled me from within as the shroud of futility casts its dark and gloomy shadow upon my struggles to shed myself from my shameful past.

“Why so sad?” a tender voice breaks through the emptiness of my thoughts.
As I explained my situation to her, I painfully relived the ill-fated “A-“ account with classmates exhibiting scores higher than my own.
She offered her sympathies and consoled me
with statements which depicts the complexity level of the exam…
until I revealed the climax of my story… my grade itself.
“What? The highest grade in my class was a B+!”

Hearing that, I continue to sit on the balcony railing, in a moment of silence,
Pondering upon our conversation,
The gravity of the matter then hit me,
The sinking feeling anchored me down and
I came to the realization that I was congregating among the elite.
The lessons I amassed whilst with this group stretches
far beyond my expectations and intellect
Generosity was truly their virtue as they unconditionally contributed lessons after lessons towards the fundamentals of my learning aptitude.
Someone up there is looking out for me.
(*Thank You!*)

As the year ended, I manage to make proud of dad and myself.
The results were very encouraging,
something which even caught me by surprise.
Several universities of choice offered me a placing;
which I found myself ever so eager to accept
I was ecstatic!
Melbourne, Sydney, Manchester, Brisbane, Perth,
All I needed was to choose.
To choose a country with residing friends and family members.
where if needed, are able to help me.

However, serendipity had other plans as it once again weaved itself into my journey
and pulling it off tangent.

I was suggested by a confidant that I
needed to be in an environment with least distractions and little attractions
if I were to successfully complete my university degree.
needed to be in an environment where the faculty are dynamic and able to push me to excel.
She knew me well.
She knew that I was easily distracted by the luring of bright lights and endless entertainment of city life.
She knew that though I progressed by leaps and bounds, my foundation still needed to be reinforced.
She pointed bluntly that I currently needed a study sanctuary to compensate for my lack in discipline.
Damn! I cursed myself in silence as her comments couldn’t be further from the truth.
She revealed that one flaw which I thought was able to conceal.
Swallowing the bitter pill, I accepted my undeniable shortcoming.
And accepted her recommendation to jet set to New Zealand to further my studies,
A place she thought was the best sanctuary for me.

Nothing much I knew about the country.
All I knew was that NZ had a human population 2 million versus 10 million sheep;
And that if the sheep were smart and formed a political party,
Humans would be voted out and the sheep would run the country.

Within 2 weeks, my venture into the unknown was cast in stone.
I was going to a place with no friends and no relatives.
No safe haven if I needed protection.
A great opportunity to start afresh and liberate me from the wrong doings of my past.
SOMEONE up there IS looking out for me.

Tears of joy and happiness were exchanged
Proud expressions were shown
I boarded the NZ bound aircraft reflecting upon my journey thus far
I felt blessed because my life journey is filled with opportunities to alternate paths.
And more importantly,
I felt blessed with the entrusted guides positioned at every pivotal point to usher me towards the better path.

As the engines roared and my seat rumbled
I felt excited and eager to find out where this journey will lead me
Little did I know, my ignorant and seemingly hasty decision would set a path towards an adventure of a lifetime.
One journey has ended and
another is set to begin…

Reflections of my past: Part II

High school was pretty much the standard routine.

Social activities weren’t as abundant as I hoped it would be.
The usual after school classes and some school activities sporadically sprinkled across my weekly schedule.
Feeling like a misfit, I longed to be affiliated to a group who wanted me.
Who doesn’t?

Soon the longing disappeared as new found associations made its path towards me.
And such associations led me to a dishonorable path which till today holds a scared memory in the depths of my past.
Rebellious attitudes and disgruntled feelings seeded itself into my consciousness.
Iniquitous activities soon became a common ground where extorts, fights and illicit acts are routine and dare I say, close to being habitual.

What have I become?!?
I have turned into the thing which goes against all that has been instilled in me by my family. Turned into this thing which has no honor, self respect and discipline whatsoever.
Spiritually rotted from within, I am beyond redemption….
All this just to savor that sense of belonging and acceptance.

As though all hope is lost, no glimmer of salvation in sight,
A kindred soul appeared out from a distance, gently and slowly inching towards me.
Her warm grace and gentle glow welcomes me to a sanctuary where I reflected upon my hideous and repulsive persona.
I gazed in disgust, in anger and in great shame as reflections of myself engulfed me.

Is there any forgiveness for someone such as I?

“Yes”, a calm, soothing and gentle voiced echoed.
The angelic figure smiled and embraced me with a foreign welcoming warmth.
Rage, Disgruntled and rebellious intentions subsided within me as I felt calming and reassuring affections.
This is the true sense of belonging and acceptance I really needed.

Henceforth, my travels towards recovery was evident, though not uncomplicated.
There were instances where withdrawal symptoms enticed me to the nether regions of my dark past.
Calling to me, like cheap call girls soliciting for
commercial arrangements with bountiful freebies to offer.

I am made of sterner attributes than this as I have found my foundation, my perspectives and my belonging.

To the angel whose warm gentle glow had salvaged me from the depths of my own demonic abyss,

"I thank you, love you and cherish you."

Reflections of my past: Part I

Throughout my childhood, to call me a devious little kid was an understatement.
The things I would do to drive people around me up the wall.

There was the nails on the stool stunt which landed me an intimate acquaintance with a by product of the rattan tree; Mr Rattan cane. It was that time, I had a glimpse of what mum did for a living as I did the dance of mercy every time Mr Rattan got more and more acquainted with my legs. I could have sworn I heard Michael Jackson’s “Beat it” bopping in the background. She was a disciplinary teacher. A very good one at that I assure you.

There was also this time where I helped dad shade down his spanking brand new white Alpha Romeo into dirt grey by incessantly climbing all over it barefooted. He loved that car. But I guess he loved me more, because dad was cool about the incident. He just smiled at me and proceeded to repaint the car into a dark maroon color. Yeah, dad was a cool guy. All fun and laughter.

Then there was the spark I started….. which well, turned into a small flame and then proceeded into a full blown blaze where the fire marshals were called in to put my spark out. What can I say, engulfed with the primal instinct to re-discover fire and always wanting to out do myself, I started to nurture the flame, bit by bit until it grew into an adolescent like state and like all adolescents, it grew up into rebellious little uncontrollable monsters. Similar to my Mercy dance, the rebellious flame danced and skipped and jumped, and soon…. spawning out to several others. It was then my uncle called the fire marshals to put the fire out. Hello Mr Rattan! Damn that MJ tune again.

Always wanting to know what the consequences were, I ventured into the boundaries of my parent’s sanity and then proceeded to climb over. Yes, I was a curious kid. Still am. And my childhood seems to circle around similar themes which resulted in the customary dance and acquaintances.

Life was pretty much it for me at that time. Carefree and happy for the most part. Sheesh, how I miss that.